The Devil's Advocado

2006-09-01T10:05:00.000+08:00

So I found my old multiply account and decided to give that a go... its a little more versatile for the html-inept such as myself. so go there from now on k?

ricebandit.multiply.com

And the Beat Goes On

2006-08-24T02:22:00.000+08:00

Wala wala, hot pizza, cold beer, rocking tunes, awesome company. A guy can't help but smile, but hey, I'm easy that way.

They played my request, a song which raised one or two eyebrows from amongst my companions, but bless their darling bleeding hearts, they sang along anyway.

Thanks Amel for the lovely and most thoughtful pressie, I forsee it will become closely acquainted with yours truly real soon!

Buzzing in My Brain

2006-08-23T00:41:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Ordinary World - Duran Duran

Got an email from mum which is something I look forward to and dread with equal conviction. She never has a subject in the title, which always leaves me feeling rather unsettled, like opening a parcel of unknown origins. Theres just as much chance of it being something nice or anthrax spores. So the usual patient hovering of the trusty Copperhead's pointer over the link revealed that anxiety is truly useless as an emotion. You're going to read it anyway, so why worry?

I guess it's because I know there's no one else in a position to do anything. Being far away makes it easier. And harder.

Oddly enough, the good book appeared in my hands, much as it seems to in times of internal turmoil. James chapter 2, verse 14. Simply reiterated, talk is cheap. Heck, talk is free. The greatest plans of mice and men can get fucked up quicksmart if there is no action behind it. This seems at odds with obiwan's "There are no perfect actions, only perfect intentions" however it does indicate that some sort of action is in order. It's strange that it was this chapter that opened up but I've learnt better than to question providence, because the words always hold the answer to the questions I never dared ask out loud to myself. So forget the code, because it's in plain english.

It would only take a moment
To say I love you
But it would take my lifetime
Just to show you

Perhaps we will never know now will we?

Jenga was taken seriously in some cultures.

Top 10 Part 3

2006-08-15T03:26:00.000+08:00

Today its all about me, me, meeeeeeee, and what I want :)

1) World Peace - heck, I know i'm never going to be Miss Universe, but what the hey..

They love me, they really really love me!

2) An old skool IWC - Preferably one of the gorgeous ones from the '50s

3) A car with machine guns in the headlights - No more problems with cabbies or MPVs

No, Mr Bond, I expect you to die!

4) Wine cellar - Because I like the idea of keeping bottles of stuff I'll never drink

5) Courage - To do what I know is right, despite the consequences

6) Ray Ban Aviators - I'll never be cool enough to carry these off, but it might be worth deluding myself for a bit.

7) A Big-ass TV - Much like this one

8) PS3 - To play GT on the big-ass tv

9) My own place - Preferably big enough to fit the PS3 and TV with secure parking for the car.

10) Someone to share the smiles and sorrows of daily life, for life.

So anyway, to my wonderful friends who have managed in their own way to make me feel special (not special ed), big up to ya, I'll always be there for you!

In a Heartbeat

2006-08-15T01:53:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Turn my head - Live

I throw together what I like,
What I like, I throw together.

Had a few moments yesterday, where the ol' ticker got a bit of a workout.

Bad weather, heavy traffic, stupid knee jerk London security measures, almost didn't have enough fuel to make it into Heathrow. Strangely reassuring that I knew what options were available, and the time by when we would have to make that decision. Even stranger then, that I took some satisfaction in watching the guy who was supposed to know, squirm. I watched him dry-swallow, his right hand quiver oh-so-slightly as he turned the heading knob, his voice quaver as he asked for the checklist, which we went through just moments before. I smirked because I was calmer than he.

Maybe I'm so smug only because I didn't have to make that decision.

I did hear something quite funny while we were doing doughnuts over holland though...

BA Pilot: "Maastricht control, what's the expected delay into london?"

Maastricht ATC: "latest we're getting from london is approximately 45mins"

BA Pilot: "Ok, thats not going to work for us then, can you get in touch with the company, and let them know we'll be going to Amsterdam?"

ATC: "Roger.. will do.. umm.. how long before you run out of fuel?"

BA Pilot: "Run out of fuel?! (Laughs) we'll run out of fuel in about an hour, but we've got enough to hold for 25 mins then we'll have to land"

ATC: "Err.. right"

It was a long day for most everyone i think.

SPLAT

2006-08-11T11:33:00.000+08:00

Whoops there it is... 3

so now thats over and done with, I can get on with life lol

Got me a new assistant to take care of all my piddling little daily decisions. No longer will I have to waste time deliberating things that don't matter at all.

Hello then, my friend, and newest member of the team...

Strike Two

2006-08-07T21:52:00.000+08:00

Frustration is meant to be a normal part of daily life, that much is certain, that much I can resolve, that much I can understand.

It still gets to me no matter how I try to rationalize it though.

What do you do when you're faced with a situation you can't resolve? A chronic problem that will never go away?

Well they say things happen in threes... so i'm bracing myself.

Bummer.

Ain't no Fun

2006-08-05T02:34:00.000+08:00

Curve ball, dodge, smack in the head.

Ouch.

Fuck this shit.

Man on a Mission

2006-07-30T12:46:00.000+08:00

Listening to: NIN – Closer

“Eyes that could make a man lick the shovel clean after digging his own grave”. Powerful words; not mine unfortunately, but such simplicity and power can’t help but get to me you know? Everyday, books, newspapers, celluloid – conveying unto the masses what we crave, what we seek, what we’d like to believe.

I just watched V for Vendetta, which struck a chord, not for the story, but for the ability of a man’s voice. Acting from behind an emotionless mask, surely an impossible task - not so for Hugo Weaving. Undoubtedly one of his better performances, you could hear the conflict and longing – perhaps it was my head filling it in.

So what do we crave? What do we want to believe? I want to believe with all my heart and soul that the ultimate truth is indeed the same that I’ve been walking towards. I crave the sound of a voice, one that takes me home, no matter how far I am. I seek the eyes which I will die in.

Soul Reason for Being

2006-07-25T11:45:00.000+08:00

Listening to: From Detroit to St Germain – St Germain

I got my head but my head is unraveling
Can’t keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling
I got my heart but my heart's no good
You're the only one that's understood

I come along but I don’t know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go but you're wrenching dragging shaking me
Turn off the sun pull the stars from the sky
The more I give to you the more I die

And I want you

Nice wall

Paradise is not a place on earth; that much I’ve figured out. Seems though, it is a place within you. Yet within tranquility there is a measure of disquiet, almost as if there comes a moment where life taunts you with the promise of something so beautiful, yet so flawed. The greatest temptation would be to immerse and lose yourself in the joy of the moment, but ironically that would also lead to your eventual undoing.

Far far away in the South China sea...

For now at least, I choose to ride the smiles.

Chang and Eng were suprisingly chirpy

Top 10 Part 2

2006-07-25T10:52:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Saltwater – Julian Lennon

Because I’m a guy, and because I can, my top 10 cars of all time.

1) Mercedes Benz 300SL – The original gullwing, die vater mit all supercars, The original silver arrow.

2) Nissan Skyline GTR R32 – Near and dear to my heart, the original Godzilla, the car that made Porsche sit up and take notice, the car they had to penalize because it kept winning.

3) Alfa Romeo Brera – A picture alone speaks a thousand words, yet looking at a photo of one, my vocabulary fails me, and I am a child again.

4) Land Rover Defender 110 – Many good memories, some bad ones, more rugged than the Alaskan glaciers, and several degrees cooler.

5) BMW 328 Mille Miglia – There’s one in the lobby of the Arabella hotel in Frankfurt, a reminder of what BMW could do if they stop being such wonky tossers.

6) Bugatti Veryon – 16 Cylinders, 4 Turbos, 1001hp. Need I really say much more?

7) Toyota Supra – It kicks ass and is as reliable as swiss public transport. Plus it’s a Toyota.

8) Honda S2000 – Because every car should be a two-seat convertible and rev to 9000

9) Austin Mini Cooper S – The old one, not that bulky BMW one. A go-kart with a tin roof, engineering simplicity personified, proof that it really isn’t about size.

10) Audi RS4 – It doesn’t look scary, but it WILL give everyone else nightmares.

All the cars save the 300SL and the Bugatti would be drivable on a daily basis, so they’d be realistic to own, though certainly not in this country.

Tribute to The Other

2006-07-20T20:15:00.000+08:00

He serves an important role in society, fulfilling a purpose not easily explained and just as easily misunderstood. No one sees his loneliness, or the void that fills his being. What they see is opportunistic predation or acts of cunning.

The other seeks what everyone does, the pursuit of happiness in life, of contentment and fulfilment. The difference is, his purpose in life is to continue seeking, where other's might find. The other fills the void felt by normal people who are on their life journeys, they are, for a lack of a better description, mere crude stopgaps, a temporary measure for relief like some cheap antacid.

The other is that person who is the rebound, the one people turn to for solace when they are unhappy with their own relationships, the one to whom hearts are poured out, grieviances aired, sorrow shared. The other is always there, ready at the drop of a hat to render support. The other is often told just how wonderful they are, how someone would be so lucky to have them, but they never do.

Imagine reaching out for someone, but never finding in that person what you crave, instead having to hear about this failed relationship or that cheating boyfriend. Silently, the other gives of himself, at the same time envying the dastardly ex, for even he had a taste of what must have been heaven. Inwardly, his feelings are polarised, ranging between contempt, pity, even sympathy.

The other doesn't want to be pitied; he seeks contentment, not contempt.

Remember always the other.

On a completely unrelated tangent, I was up in the bar last night overlooking the entire city of Bangalore, and the DJ plays Berlin's Take My Breath Away, and the biggest and cheesiest grin comes over my face. Damn you Top Gun!

Happy Thoughts

2006-07-09T00:20:00.000+08:00

Just got back from Sydney, the load back was remarkably light, so we ended up climbing just about as high as the plane could go, which was about 13 odd kilometers above the planet. Two things struck me.

First, the sky looked different to anything i'd ever seen before in my life. Ever. The moon had long set, but the sky wasn't dark at all. I know now why they call it the milky way. There was a translucence to what I'd always known as pitch. Literally, the stars filled the sky in luminescent cloudiness, clearly defining the horizon in all directions, and I was hapless, staring dumbfounded.

We flew onwards and for some reason I felt like sitting somewhere chilling with a tall cold glass of amber nectar, but we had already flown past happy hour. Then a thought struck me - it's always happy hour somewhere in the world :)

Top 10 Part 1

2006-06-30T10:03:00.000+08:00

Marcus' top 10 list of road peeves:

1) Women who drive SUVs/MPVs - Your husband buys you a hulk of a car. You love it, thinking it gives you a commanding view of the road and its versatility allows you to carry heaps. But you still have 0% situational awareness so you can't park, drive, or back it up. Plus its almost always empty. Get back in the kitchen...

2) Taxi drivers - They have to work hard, I'll admit, but some of them are real grumpy sods who believe they are god of the roads, and that everyone else can't drive. They cut people off at will, fail to signal most of the time and make me nauseous whenever I have to ride in one. Most seem to dislike the government too, judging from the regular (and unwanted) complaints.

3) Malaysian factory workers on their little motorbikes - I've nothing against malaysians per se, but some of these dudes have absofreakingloutly no sense of self preservation. Maybe i'm paranoid, but they don't seem to think much of being crushed.

4) Merc drivers - Mostly the E-Class ones. So many seem to have something to prove. You're really NOT that rich, so get over it.

5) Pedestrians - Common sense dictates that the road is for cars, and the sideWALK is for people. When you have to cross the ROAD, you enter a potentially dangerous zone and you should try to get across ASAP. Evidently common sense is anything but.

6) Road hogs - Why drive at 90 on the right lane? You are legal no doubt, but there is a legal requirement to keep left unless overtaking too. Chances are, the guy to your left is also not overtaking, and doing a legal 90. Which means you are blocking overtaking cars. Move over, prick.

7) Tail gaters - It's dangerous and short sighted, but commonly associated with (6). If (6) didn't exsist, I'd probably have only a top 8 list.

8) Goods vehicles on the freeway - They shouldn't be allowed. There are already enough people driving slow enough to drive miss daisy, that there shouldn't be lorries plodding along at 60 pulling out into the middle lane to over take a van doing 55. That shit is dangerous. Anyway they seem to be the most common targets for TP, which is good for the rest of us.

9) Fat old men in luxobarges with hot bimbos - I can hack it that life isn't fair, but what really gets me is there is another (1) in the brewing. This has to stop.

10) ERP - you know along orchard road, if you drive down during the day from Scotts road to SMU, and decide you need to go back to Taka to have coffee, you will go through 3 gantries. for the same 1.5km stretch of CBD. There are some brilliant minds at work here, ladies and gentlemen.

And thats my top 10 for the day. If you take exception, get back in the kitchen.

Stuff thats just too funny to be annoying, and other such crap

2006-06-20T15:57:00.000+08:00

Listening to: I still haven't found - U2

I haven't had anything to complain about recently, which is good for those around me, but now I've decided to put up a few pictures of things that I had no explanation for. Indulge me if you will. Maybe someone can explain it all to me and free my mind from this torment? I only ask one question - WHY?

Ok.. it's not raining OUTSIDE the cab, but wtf?!?!

Chairman Mao.. looking good there.. WTF????

WHAT ON EARTH COLOUR IS THAT?!?!? WHY?!?!

This one makes me more pissed off than curious. I think that if you can't or won't park properly, you should be neutered.

Do I think bears are funny? yes. These mofos are 10' tall though, so I'm kinda glad they are behind a glass wall. and dead.

Waning night, rising dawn, stormclouds ahead?

2006-06-08T13:43:00.001+08:00

Watching: Top Gear S8 E5

Its been a crazy last couple of weeks, to say the least. 3 Weddings, 2 Line Checks, over 20,000 km spanning oceans and continents, had my dignity ruined, faced one of my proudest days, had my heart rate nearly rupture the top of my head, and been so tired I didn't even know I was asleep till it was time to wake up.

I'm officially poor, my ang pow fund has quite literally gone into the red and it may never recover. So if you are reading this, either don't get married in the next few months, or don't invite me lol.

The weddings were all good fun, diverse as I could have imagined, and really well put together in their own way. I had the honour of playing bit parts in supporting each one, and it really made me smile to be able to be there for these good friends of mine, on what most people believe is the most significant day of their adult lives. I had a good time eating and drinking and making merry, which is par for the course i guess.

The Line checks were a challenge in themselves, because I think I made them out to be. It's hard to just dismiss them as regular flights, because of the emphasis placed on them. In an ideal world, you'd place the same importance on every flight, but truth be told, it doesn't happen all that often. Its flights like these where one suddenly finds himself religious and superstitious at the same time, and all the deities are called upon, undies of the proper colour are chosen, even shoes are kiwi'd. Its amazing what a bo chup fella will do.

Got my new toy, my new bao bei, I haven't unwrapped her yet, because she is my present to myself, for staying true to the course, and she will see me through many more adventures and posts.

Damn, this one read's more like a freaking diary then my usual crap. Still, its been 2 years, 8 months, and 12 days in the making, and I'm just beginning.

The Frayed Ends of Sanity

2006-05-22T12:37:00.000+08:00

Listening to: You're the one that I want - OST Grease

I feel a lump forming deep in my bowels, a tightening knot in my trhoat, a rising tide of nausea, the smell of fear emanates from my pores. Perspiration beads my forehead, little droplets that swell and merge, drawn earthwards by gravity, collecting their brethren on their downward creep, growing, picking up speed till they cascade free of my chin, suspended for an eternity in the thin frailty of ether, by gossamer threads so fine as to be invisible. They find their release in the ensuing splash, their energy dissipated, and they lie spent, my envy of their passing is palatable in the bile rising in my throat.

This is the end of the beginning. 5 days to reckoning.

Musings

2006-05-15T11:43:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Thunderstruck - AC/DC

You have no control over the hand you've been dealt.
What you do have control over is the next few moments.
Do you stand, up the ante, or do you fold?

The big picture seems to be something that eludes most people on a daily basis, and I can't say I blame em, because I've been guilty of it too. I can't however advocate sticking my head in the sand like some agoraphobic ostrich, waiting for the lion to come bite me in the ass.

Went back to Melbourne last week, Nancy must have taken pity on this poor soul and in her kindness gave me a flight to see the family. So now I'm poor again, nuff said. Good things, not so good things and downright unpleasant things, all part of the big picture, so I keep reminding myself.

She wants to fly too.. the girl knows how to steal my heart!

Delirous

2006-05-11T02:21:00.000+08:00

Waking up is simultaneously the best and worst part of the day. Still, knowing you are alive and able to live that day to the fullest is something not to be taken for granted, instead, it should be celebrated, embraced, and justice should be done to the gift.

So I wrote a poem. of sorts. ok so its actually just rubbish, but what's new right?

I don't think I shall ever see
Something quite so dumb as a tree
The funniest thing today
is the word U-r-a-guay
And now I need to pee

I'm going back to sleep now where i'll do less damage.

Welcome to Wherever

2006-04-27T19:03:00.000+08:00

Who would I rather be?

Listening to: Unbreakable – Bon Jovi

Inspiration has been wanting lately, I’ve nothing meaningful to write about. Even the fun seems to have deserted me. I’ve been caught up in a dizzy spell of selfish and self-indulgent behaviour and I’ve been shamelessly unremorseful about it too. Narcissistic acts of ego and instant gratification – I do things because I can.

I know why, and I’m loathe to admit it. Even though it’s probably painfully obvious to those around me, something is missing from my life. I’ve turned my back on my own spirituality, and shunned the straight and narrow, choosing instead to cavort in the flashing club lights of Hades, dancing with the devil by the pale moonlight.

“You hear that? That’s pride fucking wit’cha. Fuck pride.” Ving Rhames’ words echo behind my closed eyelids, I think of Vincent Vega, Jules Winfield, and Winston Wolf, and wonder what they’d do if given my predicament. Cool cats that they are, they’d handle things differently – My Chachi, to their Fonzie.

ROFLPOP

2006-04-20T23:13:00.000+08:00

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

No Way, Jose!

2006-04-18T01:56:00.000+08:00

Don't I look a right smug bastard? Disneyland after almost 30 years.

I've learnt:

That the most popular language in LA is not american, but spanish.
That despite your best intentions, morons will still conspire to ruin your day.
That it is not a good idea to not sleep when your body commands it.
That you CAN have too much of a good thing. (Long story omitted for berevity, ask me again sometime if you have insomnia)
That Japanese people fit in really small spaces, despite the fact that most of them really aren't that small to begin with.

That I WILL eat practically everything, provided its dead (or at least technically dead - this includes sea urchins and that soft slimy green thing no one could identify)

That cabbies suck just as bad in the US as they do here.
That I'm a sucker for praise, especially if it comes from my boss (So I'm a Leo, sue me!)

No, I'm not tiptoeing.

Slacking off at work?

Off to the land of bountiful beer and wacky wursts next. Am also determined to get me an authentic Noo Yawk hotdog from central park, if i don't get mugged first. Gotta cross that pond first though!

Uninspired Drivel

2006-04-05T01:04:00.000+08:00

I'm really thankful for my friends, and they know it. Or at least I hope they do. They are the reason I'm still sane. They put up with my crazy-ass behaviour, ranting, lame-ass jokes, crude-ass swearing, and general moodiness. They have been there for me when I was down, shaken, and in general bad shape. I've also done my best to be there for them when the shit hits the fan. Good friends are hard to come by, and I'm glad I have a few I can count on. I love you guys and I've got your back!

It's really starting to seem like I'm going to be better a lot faster than I imagined, for which I'm thankful. I know why too, which is quite remarkable, because things like this don't often hit me till I've usually taken the time to go up the mountain to contemplate the meaning of life and all that shit. You know what, life is actually starting to ROCK. It'll still be a little while before I can peel off the scabs, but certainly, it will happen. Just remember that its what's inside that matters most, and I'd gladly trade the really hot chick for the one I can trust.

Back in Melbourne meanwhile, the domestic situation is starting to stir, and mister marcus has been called to action once more. Not a bad thing, to be needed, though it would be even better to not be, in this case. Not for selfish reasons mind you, but because not being needed means everything would be hunky dory and smiley, which is what I want for everyone :)

I Just had to share

2006-04-04T02:30:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Bad Day - Daniel Powter

Life's been speeding happily along and I've been happy to slipstream, hanging on by the ragged edges of my fingernails. New faces and places, I'm forced once more to pause if only to draw breath. It seems though that with each passing day and night, I reach the insurmountable, only to find myself pushing that much further, that much harder. It's a drunken sense of invincibility only the young or foolish know, yet being aware of it, my folly deceives me into trusting what I do not know.

I may have mentioned this prior, but if anyone has been able to put to prose so succinctly the sensation that is flying, its one Ernest K Gann.

Before take-off, a professional pilot is keen, anxious, but lest someone read his true feelings he is elaborately casual. The reason for this is that he is about to enter a new though familiar world. The process of entrance begins a short time before he leaves the ground and is completed the instant he is in the air. From that moment on, not only his body but his spirit and personality exist in a separate world known only to himself and his comrades.

As the years go by, he returns to this invisible world rather than to earth for peace and solace. There also he finds a profound enchantment, although he can seldom describe it. He can discuss it with others of his kind, and because they too know and feel its power they understand. But his attempts to communicate his feelings to his wife or other earthly confidants invariable end in failure.

Flying is hypnotic and all pilots are willing victims to the spell. Their world is like a magic island in which the factors of life and death assume their proper values. Thinking becomes clear because there are no earthly foibles or embellishments to confuse it. Professional pilots are, of necessity, uncomplicated, simple men. Their thinking must remain straightforward, or they die — violently.

The men in this book are fictitious characters but their counterparts can be found in cockpits all over the world. Now they are flying a war. Tomorrow they will be flying a peace, for, regardless of the world's condition, flying is their life.

— Ernest K. Gann, forward to 'Island in the Sky,' 1944

2006-03-29T16:27:00.000+08:00

Your results:
You are Iron Man

Iron Man		90%
Green Lantern		85%
The Flash		65%
Catwoman		65%
Superman		55%
Spider-Man		55%
Batman		45%
Supergirl		43%
Hulk		40%
Robin		38%
Wonder Woman		23%

Inventor. Businessman. Genius.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

I really wanted to be the silver surfer, but then again, I do find myself getting rusty quite often...

Blinded by moonlight

2006-03-26T17:25:00.000+08:00

I saw...

A night so clear and dark, a sky filled with stars, mirrored by a sea lit with a hundred lights from fishing boats. I didn't know where the sea stopped and the sky began.

A moonrise, from the southeast, so brilliant my eyes hurt, casting shadows from the clouds far below, lighting up the peaks of the waves, reflecting off the surface in a cascade of shifting
luminescence.

A lone shooting star, streaking across the black at incredulous speed, faster than the speed of thought, faster than I could wish for something, anything.

A sunrise over a red barren expanse, so wide it filled the whole of my periphery. Blues, Purples, lilacs, fushcias, crimsons, down to blood red and rust. Only in dreams have I seen colours so vivid.

This is my life, as I see it.

WHY I WANT TO BE A PILOT

2006-03-19T17:54:00.000+08:00

When I grow up I want to be a pilot because it's a fun job and easy to do. That's why there are so many pilots flying around these days. Pilots don't need much school. They just have to learn to read numbers so they can read their instruments.

I guess they should be able to read a road map, too.

Pilots should be brave to they won't get scared it it's foggy and they can't see, or if a wing or motor falls off. Pilots have to have good eyes to see through the clouds, and they can't be afraid of thunder or lightning because they are much closer to them than we are.

The salary pilots make is another thing I like. They make more money than they know what to do with. This is because most people think that flying a plane is dangerous, except pilots don't because they know how easy it is.

I hope I don't get airsick because I get carsick and if I get airsick, I couldn't be a pilot and then I would have to go to work.

— purported to have been written by a fifth grade student at Jefferson School, Beaufort, SC.

God Bless the little children :)

We canna doo eeet cap'n, we dunt haf de pahwerr!

2006-03-17T00:43:00.000+08:00

It's been a month. Since things changed. The only constant comes back once more to throw me a curve, aimed square between my eyes. Even more has changed since then, and sometimes it is the simplest of things that throw you off even further. Like !Xibile!. And conversation.

I know I once said I'd try to avoid posting personal stuff up, but therapy dictates I at least talk about it to myself. But I'll try to be as cryptic as I possibly can, so that no one knows what I'm talking about except yours truly. Not that anyone usually understands my gibberish anyway :P

There are days where I feel like i'm in a Bjork video, where it seems chaos reigns, but in a structured, almost sensible way, not that anyone really pays attention, cos she's a right nutter anyhoo.

One thing I don't mind saying outloud in clear, unadulterated prose is that I am getting bored of being evil marcus. Well, not so much evil marcus, but bored evil marcus. When I get excessively bored, I tend to do stupid shit, which can sometimes lead to trouble, which I would usually avoid like syphillis. So I've resolved to max out till I burn out, then chiilllllllll. Living vicariously. Simple, yet complicated.

There must be an angel with a smile on her face, When she thought up that I should be with you. But it's time to face the truth,

I will never be with you.

When all is said and done, there's usually more said than done

2006-03-13T14:47:00.000+08:00

Think about it. It's been a really rough last couple of years, having to stinge, subsisting on that diet that was probably more harmful than the long hours and gruelling routine. I guess this must be that really well deserved meal we'd been promised. The flavour filled the room, and instantly I was taken back in mum's kitchen, back in melbourne, so many miles and years away.

"Hey Joe, what's the weather gonna be like today? Think it'll rain?"

The sun was streaming in through the blinds, it was brilliant outside, the rays dazzled the flecks of dust too small to settle on anything. There was a heady mix of garlic, mushrooms and pepper, with a hint of dried herbs, a blend that only mum knew. The simplicity lay in the sauce which simmered and bubbled contentedly. Garden fresh veggies abound, roasted to tender perfection, their fragrance rising from the oven, a sweetness mixing with the spice and hearty flavours already swirling the room. Golden pumpkin, potatoes with rosemary, long beans and carrots, there's just no describing the feeling that I got just biting into these. The main event of course was the 100% free range, cornfed, half a pound of tenderloin, so lovingly marinated, and promising to melt in my mouth, coating every tastebud with and explosion of juices and earthy flavour.

"No man, not a cloud in the sky.. how's lunch?"

"Spectacular, Joe, never had better. what's the damage?"

A wry smirk. "Don't worry about it man, this one's on me."

Truly there is no feeling like coming home, the peace borne of familiarity, the comforting smells, the warmth of a bed you've known all your life. I greedily finished off the meal, dabbing at the gravy with the last of the bread. Part of me didn't want this to end, but I shrugged and rationalised that such is the way with all good things.

"Hey man, the clocks a-tickin, we gotta get goin"

"Yea Joe, I'll be right there"

I took a deep breath and stifled a yawn. It really was going to be a beautiful day, I could tell. I stretched my arms over my head, stifled another yawn, and tried to shake the cobwebs out of my post meal stupor. Time go go.

"I'm ready Joe"

I stood up, took a look around the bare cell, my home for the last few years, and stepped out into the dark corridor of death row, followed closely by Father Joe.

Mope mope mope mope mope mope mope mope

2006-03-10T20:57:00.000+08:00

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

Q: What happens when one minute you're travelling at the speed of though, and the next, you run up against a wall?

A: It really hurts

I've been going so fast it really hurts to stop. Now that I have, it seems like the reason I was going so quickly, was to prevent the backward slide down the funnel. It's like that damned 2.4.. once you stop, you're screwed. You feel the burn, your heart wants to explode, your lungs gasp for precious air, and its all but impossible to start up again, so you stagger on. Not flying really sucks. Not having the will sucks more.

I'm clinging on to the very edge of the funnel, below is the churning mass of the old me, tentacles reaching out to pull me back in. It's the strangest feeling, the tension in the midde of my back, the gnawing feeling that something is not right screaming for attention, like only a tungsten carbide drill bit on bone can.

So starts the slide... hello old friend :)

Chatted with g today about cars. G is a car person. Made me think about lil bandit though. I miss going sideways and smokin' the bags into third. I miss lil bandit.

I am what I am, not popeye the sailor man

2006-03-06T15:10:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Twisted Transistor - KoRn

Still sitting around thinking of interesting things to do, i.e. find out just how long i can remain motionless in front of the TV.

I've had a rather interesting weekend, as far as weekends go. Life as we know follows its cycles of patterns - you wake up, you eat, you do your thing, you go to sleep. During this "do your thing" period, everyone's lives become mysteriously intertwined and lo and behold, the eccentricities of who we are shine through.

Got a call from my favourite (only) sister in law with a bit of an interesting request. I must say it had me stumped at first because I had only gone to sleep 3 hours earlier that morning, but as i shook the cobwebs out of my hair, it became all the more perplexing. I'm still not sure what the deal is. But since she is not in the same continent as I, she probably felt that I could get more done. Well, we'll see!

Friends are going through their cycles too. The older I get, the more I realise that the simplicity of an honest relationship seems to be very often entangled with the day to day agendas of individuals during the "do your thing" phase. Its all to do with interaction, and for a species that prides itself as being the most intelligent, we should have it down pat, but the reality is we really suck at it. There wouldn't be so much in the way of miscommunication in all aspects of relationships, from friendships to marriages.

On a less serious but no less disturbing note, I watched "How Techies Changed the World" on discovery. Basically its about how Star Trek is responsible for influencing all aspects of modern society. Whats not so good is the fact that I understood everything they were talking about. What's even MORE disturbing, is that I enjoyed the show. I think I'm going to go kill myself now.

Episode IX... The next generation meets a new hope meets the wrath of Khan

2006-02-27T16:41:00.000+08:00

Is it possible to like both Star trek and star wars? Technically there are no conflicts, because one is set in a place a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away, wheras the other happens here, in the somewhat distant future. Star trek would actually conflict with buck rogers, but whos to say captain rogers wasn't part of starfleet?

So I've been a rather lazy bastard, not writing nearly as much as I had intended to, but they do say its the thought that counts right? (Again with the mysterious "they" lol) But I have my reasons, and whilst i'm not against voicing them out, here and now is probably least appropriate. What is appropriate however, is the fact that I have broken free of gravity and am now soaring once more, free among the cosmos, and methinks that some ME time is in order, thus rendering dating as useful as a diesel engine on the enterprise. For now anyway.

Ooooh.. also with this whole space cadet theme for today, I met a real live astronaut! And not one of those poxy cereal box spaceshuttle nerds either, I mean, this dude was in the Gemini project, one of 12 men to ever walk on the moon, one of 3 who have been to the moon twice, and the commander of the last manned flight to the moon on apollo 17! This wonderful old codger still flies jet planes regularly, namely my all time favourite, the Lear 45. What can I say, I was awestruck, starstruck, tonkatruck. I thought of a dozen questions I wanted to ask, "is the moon really made of cheese?" "Which part of nevada was the studio?" "is there really a man in the moon?" and so forth, but when it came my turn to get my autograph and take a picture, I gazed into the eyes of a man who has forgotten more than I will ever know. I shook his hand, and managed to blurt, "Sir, it is a real honour to meet you. It is because of people like you that I am who I am today" (As if he hadn't heard that like a gadzillion times) He left me with some very poignant words though - "Aim for the moon son, because even if you miss, you'll be up among the stars"

I really really didn't want to wash my hand after that, but I got some ketchup on it...

It really made the airshow the next day a little dull in comparison, but then the F-15 came screaming past, reheat glowing brightly in the full noon sun, the most wicked sound you can imagine. That made my hair stand, and put a big grin on my face!

Got shitfaced in zurich, and then again on friday at Loof, Velvet on Saturday, and nicely toasted on Sunday at Walas. I love my friends!

The human performance and limitations textbook states that "30 units [of alcohol] per week is believed to be sufficient.." I think I passed :P

Gong Xi Gong Xi

2006-01-31T14:23:00.000+08:00

I wonder... Have you noticed that a Big breakfast meal is exactly the same as a Sausage mcmuffin meal?

Many happy days of bak kwa and pineapple tarts people :)

Content in my mediocrity

2006-01-14T11:43:00.000+08:00

Content in my mediocrity

It was a dark and stormy night, much like all the other dark stormy nights all good stories start out with. The lights had just been turned down and after the initial mad rush of flailing arms and measured panic that is my hallmark on departure, things had only just begun to settle down into some semblance of quiet order. It was a bumpy ride, and from the looks of things, it wouldn’t really settle down till I was tucked up safely under the covers at the other end. Conversation was not first and foremost on my mind, rather the slight tension just between my shoulder blades served a continuous reminder that there was indeed much more on my mind than was usual.

I thought about all the things that have been said to me over the last couple of years, everything that I have learned, straining my feeble grey matter to recall and remind myself of all the things that I have long given back to the ancient texts. I’d started out at the end of last year thinking frantically. Much too much I’m afraid. It was reminiscent of that scene from A clockwork orange, where the guy is brainwashed by the images on the telly. Just swarms of images rushing through in no order, so chaotically orchestrated as to be logical in its nature. I found myself wondering aloud if this was to be the way I’d always be, running through the past in order to make some sense of the present. And seemingly always at the least opportune moment, a staccato of static from the radio jolts me from my dream, and I am forced to work.

No stars out tonight, but that’s only because of the oily shroud that’s followed us all the way from home. St. elmo’s on the windscreen crackles and lights up the dim cabin. Time passed, and it was the new year, marked only by weary nods from my companions and weak humour about this flight taking two years to get somewhere.

A line check is a line check, and there is no place for frivolity or whimsical behaviour. Still, I was content enough to cruise through. The final report not so important because I know what the eventual result must be, I kept my head down and did what I had to do.

Still, that passing of the new year made me think of the last one, and the one before that. And it made me think of the next. This time I made no resolutions other than to continue what I’ve been doing. Stability is easing its way into daily life, and it is comforting and scary at the same time, much like I’m afraid that I may finally get what I’ve always seemed to yearn for. Odd isn’t it?

East of the Sun

2005-12-12T14:51:00.000+08:00

East of the Sun

West of the moon

I don’t know of anyone else who has been able to put it quite so eloquently. It is terrible to put something you feel down into words because mere words do no justice to emotion. I have yet to put it down, but already I must say that nothing I’ve read in recent memory has been able to touch me in such a way as this has.

Fate is the Hunter, by Ernest K. Gann. Definitely compulsory reading as far as I’m concerned.

How do you describe this?

Sheesh

2005-10-11T17:12:00.000+08:00

And I thought I'd seen lots of weird shit. Check this out!

In other news, met ah ong here in Narita, flight went rather well, I have to report that japan must be built for either the most graceful populace on earth, or a bunch of midgets. I keep knocking into things in my room. Everything is mini-sized. I've never hit my head on the top of a door frame before, but there's always a first for everything and today is one of those days. Standing in the centre of the bathroom, I can touch all 4 walls without stretching, and tap the ceiling with my elbow. Call me GIGANTOR!!! muhuhuahahaha

Need sleep soon, i've only had 2 hours, after dinner it will be ZZZZZZ time and tomorrow its back home!!

Ranting Raving Loony Bin Material

2005-10-09T20:24:00.000+08:00

I am absolutely incensed. If you haven't got the slightest inclination towards listening, click on this, put your fingers in your ears, cover your eyes and shut yer yap while waiting for it to load.

I know better than to complain about the cards life has dealt me, if I had that same marked deck as Joel, things would be so much simpler (provided i knew how to read it) but I lack that sort of ability to decipher life. I know better than to bitch and whine and moan, because I know it solves nothing, and does nothing to make the situation better. I really shouldn't be that suprised either, that it's always a matter of getting one in the goolies while you're already face down in doggy doodoo, hands tied up, and an itchy rash on your back.

But man does it still suck!

Whatever man... but get this. Company makes well over a BILLION dooolars profit, but goes, sorry mate, can't afford to let you buy discount tix for your oldies to come down for your graduation, you're gonna have to pay full fare. Well thats just too bad for YOU, cos my folks will most likely be flying with the competition.

Yea, so I'm finally graduating, after 2 years of slogging away. Its far from over though, with this last phase of training proving to be so very challenging in its own right.

I guess this has been a thing that's been going on for the longest time now, with my family, but it is something that I have no cure for, and something that can only be made better in time. It continues to be a drain on me, a constant pressure on the back of my head. One day I'll be able to make everything better, but if not, I'm sure going to try.

It doesn't help that my personal life hasn't been at its best of late either. It isn't anyone's fault, and I'm certainly not aiming to lay blame, but them's the cards, and that's that really. We all just gotta do the best we can with what we have, and leave the rest up to the boss. He know's what's what, but it is still hard y'know?

well, I feel a little better having let some of it out, I know it doesn't fix things, but maybe on some twisted subconscious level, verbalising things will allow me to better organise my thoughts and understand my emotions. That in itself is progress no?

And why do I keep ending sentences with questions?

Again, if you don't like what you read, you had the option of not reading, and if you have read it all, and still don't like it, remember whose damn blog this is (not that it mattered to those poor bastards who got jailed for that mentality) but i figure that I ain't (and I quote ali G) a racialist, so anyone who doesn't like hearing me complain can kiss my ass. Capisce?

The best destination is home

2005-09-21T01:33:00.000+08:00

Ba-da-BAM! Its just like the monsoon you know, few weeks of dry weather, and now two entries in a row!!

Just got back from my second ever flight, and I’m still trying to get my head around all the things that need to be done. I could’ve sworn that before this, I believed that pilots really don’t do very much other than sit around looking important. There are a couple more things that need to be done in the course of each flight, but I don’t want to spoil that image for anyone else… I know can already…

The thing about this flight was, that I went to 2 countries I’ve never seen in real life, in one day. Pretty darned neat if you ask me. Macau.. Vegas of the orient.. didn’t get to see much actually, cos we were stuck in the plane doing paperwork. I did see the new stadium. Also got a close look at the displaced threshold of the opposite-direction runway as well as the ocean just beyond it. Not my favourite feeling, but stopping anywhere before the end of the runway is a good thing… remember that boys and girls.

Korea on the other hand, was full of promise. I’ve heard all about the cosmetically-augmented, and physically diminutive populace, the bustling city, and the dramatic scenery – too bad for me it was a public holiday the whole of my stay. No one around, cept a bunch of drunken homeless people in the subway, all the shops were closed, so even getting a meal was a hassle (not that it mattered, cos every meal is kimchi) and the lingering mist blocked out even the sun. I walked around namdaemoon, got bored, and went back to my room to watch CNN instead. Still, I note that them Koreans love their neon! Everywhere, its miles and miles of glowing and flashing lights. Also, heaps of Hyundais on the roads!! (surprise surprise) Most of them seemed to be a little beat up, but I’d imagine that cars are treated as consumables.. heck.. if they are the cheapest to buy in Singapore, imagine what they cost over there!

I saw one young lady with post-op nose support in the hotel though :) and if the lady accompanying her was her sister, I know why she went! *marc, you’re such an asshole sometimes*

I’m back, got to do laundry.. I always seem to be doing laundry.. I’m only one person.. how can I have so much laundry?! Grumble..mumble.. Went to the dentist.. Have I ever mentioned that I don’t like pain? Mumble grumble.. had a great afternoon / evening with Lois, was a bit sad about having to go, but that certainly perked things up :P

Peace out.

Its been 2 long years

2005-09-19T17:22:00.000+08:00

Its been 2 long years…

2 years ago this week, I left Melbourne, a little heavy hearted, but with promises abound. I was headed into what I hoped would give me the chance to change everything about my life. Direction, responsibility, even ambition. The chance to make a difference.

Exactly 2 years later (I even checked my passport) I flew into Melbourne, as part of the crew on a 747. Stepping out into the frigid morning, it felt like I had achieved something, to be proud of, like I could hold my head up high and all the world would be splayed before me. Like some big shot, standing tall, chest a little puffed out, and grinning from ear to ear. The familiarity of the place, its smell, and the cold welcomed me. It wasn’t lost on me that this was almost identical to the last time I came in. Even the part where my folks didn’t know of my arrival. I guess that added to the grin :)

Jobbaz, my partner in crime, met me at the hotel, and off we went on our merry adventure. I was so full of bravado and pride, I think I would have choked if I had seen myself in the mirror.

Then I saw her, and man, I felt small.

Updates schmupdates

2005-08-21T23:02:00.000+08:00

So I’ve been a lazy prat. Sue me. I think it’s a rather effective combination of busy-ness and laziness, and the associated excuses that inevitably follow. “I’ll write something later” “I’ll go to the gym tomorrow” “Gee its been a while since I last went riding, better do it soon” ad nauseum.

So lets start with the updates shall we? Got back from Bangkok, which was a real eye-opener for me, as this Mountain Turtle ain’t never seen Thailand any closer than aroy-thai in Siglap. Had a ball, tried to learn stuff, but we were being plied with booze, not that we complained one bit. Then we had to come home. Boo hoo.

I had just finished putting away the laundry and cleaning the room when I get a call saying “Oi, you two orrible jokers are going to KL for a week to do Sim there, cos we still don’t trust you with the one here” and yet another instructor was punished by having to babysit the both of us for another week. Nothing interesting to speak of there – no shopping, no nightlife, nothing. Just eat, sleep, study, work, and breathe lots of haze. Oh ya, we did go to Klang to sample its famous bak kut teh, and I gotta give it the two thumbs up!

Lets see now.. what else.. oh yea, came back, they finally let us touch the Singapore sim, and we managed to pass the base check. Now its just a matter of sitting around waiting for an instructor/plane combination to become available so we can go startle some cattle in Senai. Ooo I miss scaring sheep in paddocks *rubs hands with glee*

Oh ya, before I forget.. how cool was the national day parade?? I am a sucker for this sort of thing, and the one thing I look forward to is the flypast, and the mobile column of army toys. (hey, I’m just a boy, give me a break eh?) I mean, all the pansy dancing I can pretty much do without.. I mean, come on, schoolgirls in gay shiny outfits or afterburning F-16s? Little boys running with lights or tanks and stuff bristling with guns and missiles? Its hardly a contest! Although it reminded me a little of Soviet-era footage, (heck, those AMX-13s are from the same era…) my point is that it didn’t fail to stir that sense of patriotic duty. I even almost thought about standing up for the anthem. I’m still not going to go for my IPPT just yet though heh heh heh.

Most recently, I’ve been real busy turning another year older. Jeesy Chreesy.. where did that last 365 days go? Spent it quietly, (just how I like it) with no fuss, no muss. Just another day :P all I know is, all my life, I’ve had much to be thankful for, and this is no different.

Good Tidings

2005-07-18T19:56:00.000+08:00

Guess what? I'm an uncle again :P

Little Pia Rose has made her way into this world, all 7.5 kilos of cute pinkness, adding one more to the growing Tan clan.. well technically she's an Anderson, but she's MY niece, so I'm claiming first dibbs :D Besides, she looks more like her mum, which is no bad thing!

I'm so glad to have one more niece to be able to spoil.. that's the thing about other people's kids - you can spoil 'em rotten and then give 'em back, and never have to worry about the consequences YAarrr.. a fine young lass she be! (still haven't quite recovered from that whole pirate episode)

I've also finished groundschool, which was a little more stressful and difficult than I had originally anticipated, but I'm putting that down to my cocky attitude, and treating it as a reminder to keep my head down, cos its far from over. I always tell myself that I could have made things so much easier if I had remained consistent with the studying, but I never seem to learn..

ANYWAY, I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.. well, not really. I'm off to Bangkok for a week to play with the Sim there, cos they don't want me wrecking the one here in SG :) so I'll be back eventually. In the meantime, I gotta keep studying to make sure that I don't let Ah Ong and myself down..

Avast, ye freakin land lubbers!!

2005-07-03T16:06:00.000+08:00

My pirate name is:

Captain Jack Vane

Even though there's no legal rank on a pirate ship, everyone recognizes you're the one in charge. You tend to blend into the background occaisionally, but that's okay, because it's much easier to sneak up on people and disembowel them that way. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

Take that you parrot loving hippie philistine! I'll have ye gizzard for tea yet my pretty!!

Okok.. i've been studying hard and i'm losing it..

Fuselage Frivolity

2005-06-18T15:25:00.000+08:00

I still can’t quite make up my mind which I like better. The 747 Classic, or the Stretch Upper Deck (SUD) version. The freighter has the same shape as the old Classic, whereas the pax version has the SUD fuselage. The 747 remains to my mind the most identifiable airliner around – practically everyone has heard of one and most can tell one from just a glance.

I’ve heard derisive comments about the type, it is a design that is 30 odd years old, noisy compared to the most modern types, lacks a lot of the automated features, and it isn’t nearly as user-friendly as say, a 777. They are on the way to be phased out of service too. But then I didn’t sign on to become a pilot because I wanted to sit in an armchair and push buttons. Where’s the fun in flying if you don’t fly?

The question still begs though. I’ve seen them both side by side, and anyway I look at them, I can’t quite decide. I’m concerned because its taking up actual attention span, and it reminds me somewhat starkly of a trekkies “Original or The Next Generation” sort of obsession. Classic or SUD. Either way, I’m more than pleased that this is where I’m going to spend my fledgling years, flying the last of the type from the golden era of aviation, the queen of the skies.

I think today I’m leaning towards the classic, I don’t know about tomorrow though!

2005-06-15T18:34:00.000+08:00

Halfway to Jurong

Listening to: Tornado of Souls - Megadeth

Today is another riding day. Time to see just how far these legs can REALLY go, because the've never broken down before.

I'm allergic to pain. Tonight we will see just how my trusty Giant and I do against the nasty bad boys of anger, frustration, sadness and disappointment. Will we outrun the evil bastards and prevail? Or will we fail miserably and be doomed to eternal misery and jelly legs?

They say working up a sweat is good for a fever? The fever doesn't stand a chance then. I wish my life were a lot simpler than it is now, because I yearn for the simplicity of implicit faith in another person. Guess it doesn't help that things at home aren't going all great.. just remember Job, I suppose. It will never get one sliver too heavy, or so the promise goes. I can and I will carry it all, whether I get any help or not.

Okies, no time to feel sorry for myself. Time to see what West Coast Park looks like at night :)

2005-06-15T17:58:00.000+08:00

Its Mega! Welcome to my office boys and girls, strap yourselves in, its going to be one hellava ride!

Kryptonite

2005-06-11T14:23:00.000+08:00

You call me strong, you call me weak
But still your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times I never let you down.

Nothing quite like cycling to soothe the soul, if not quell any raucous thoughts with nothing but the sensation of lungs screaming for air and legs burning with lactic acid buildup. Could’ve picked a better time to go though – evening peak hour ain’t exactly the smartest thing I’ve done in a while. Despite my white tee-shirt and flashing lights, I still got clipped by a bus. Nothing happened, just my nuts went right up the back of my throat, and my handlebar grip has a scuff mark (I’ll have my revenge, mr bendy bus!!). Anyhoo, I went for a good 3 hours or so, but I won’t get into that. I look like crap now though, looks like I lost a good couple of kilos of body water at least. Should go back in by tomorrow. Oh yea, and there was that cab driver on my way back.. but you gotta expect that of cabbies eh?

Didn’t dawn on me till I was in the shower though – 2 near-hits (I don’t know why they are called near-misses; that’s a separate story :P) in one day is more than I’ve got any right to, because lots of people get clobbered first time round. Mr. Rational in the left (or was that supposed to be right) brain is screaming loudly for self-preservation, but another part couldn’t care less. Say hello to Mr. Apathy; and its not that he’s not happy to meet you, he just doesn’t give a shit. Right now he’s the boss and I’m not going to argue.

Too Much Free Time?

2005-06-08T18:03:00.000+08:00

Your Dominant Thinking Style:

Experimenting

You're all about looking at the facts, and you could always use more of them.
You see life as your lab - and you're always trying out new things, people, and ideas.

The master of mix and match, you're always coming up with unique combinations.
You are good at getting a group to reach consensus.

Your Secondary Thinking Style:

Modifying

Super logical and rational, you consider every fact available to you.
You don't make rash decisions and are rarely moved by emotion.

You prefer what's known and proven - to the new and untested.
You tend to ground those around you and add stability.

What's Your Thinking Style?

Rise, Lord Vader!!

2005-05-30T22:29:00.000+08:00

My Star Wars Personality :)

Monday morning

2005-05-16T09:42:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Wave - Sebatiao Topajos

Monday's are traditionally the least favoured day of the week. Everyone loathes having to wake up for work. Perhaps its the psychological hurdle of the week ahead, the dislike of being chained to the desk for another few days.

Me? I'm still in bed typing this, cos I can :P

Today will be spent walking the streets aimlessly.

missing lois

Sinking

2005-05-09T19:27:00.000+08:00

I'm in a fix. Caught between the proverbial rock and the proverbial hard place.

Just one of those days where you want to give up, because things seem to be so much more than you can handle.

Family looks like it may go to the dogs, but there is something else.

This old Captain was going on (as old captains do) one day, and he said something that I suppose could take with me.

If you lose all the engines, all the electrics, hydraulics, and controls, you aren't going to just sit there and pray, you'll fight the damn thing all the way to the ground.

Made sense to me then, and I guess I'll just have to do the same thing in the real world.

7 Days

2005-05-08T22:30:00.000+08:00

A week has passed.. a whole week of feasting and fun, eating as much as my guts can physically hold, and funning more than a barrel of clowns.

I'm not ready to go back to real work yet, which is good cos I've been relegated to lowly office boy, tasked with such critical operations as shuffling paper and going for frequent coffee breaks ... joy oh joy.. but the optimist in me has seen the plus of it all, and that is the reminder why i never got an office job in the first place!!

Been spending some real quality time with my darling and what can I say... things aren't what i imagined they'd be... they're SO MUCH BETTER!! This boy is 100% prime time in love!!

And I quote Lionel Richie... "Oh, what a feeling... I'm dancing on the ceiling..."

Peace out peeps

Slacking Off!!

2005-05-03T19:54:00.000+08:00

Listening to: The rain pounding off the pavement

So i'm back, from outer space, just walked in to find you here with that same look upon your face.. blah blah blah

Most obviously i've been slacking off quite big time computer-wise.. last 2 weeks in Maroochy were a bit of a killer, lots of work and little sleep. Paid off though, cos i got to go to Velvet last Saturday, and already I've had enough oily food to last me a month :P

This would be the first time i'm picking up old lappy since getting back, and here I am blogging away :) what to do.. this little piggy is in love and just wants to spend time with his darling.. ok ok.. go retch away, but i'm not taking it back!

Was in such a rush to leave Maroochy that I didn't get a chance to really say everything I wanted to say to everyone there, so I'll say it here, so Rob ( I know you read this) can pass on the message :)

Capt's T Harmer and A Atkinson, thank you so very much for being my mentors, such wonderful facilitators for my learning. You guys have taught me so much by your example, shown me how much more I need to learn, and your professionalism has been nothing short of exemplary. It has been a real pleasure flying and learning from you, and if anything, my progress and subsequent performance in this course has been due to you guys. Sorry I didn't call to let you know how things went, very rude of me, but I just want to say that I truly appreciate what you've done for me.

Capt S Sagar, for taking all my check flights from FFS7 through to MPC, flying with you has been particularly enjoyable because even though I was meant to be on check, they felt like "free" sorties, flying just for fun, and the least stressful i've ever been in the right seat.

Capt Anthony, even though we never had anything to do with each other work wise, you took the effort to know my name and learn about me, and your enthusiasm and energy is downright contagious.. have a great holiday!!

Peter, for making our stay there outstanding for the peace, it really is amazing how seamlessly everything ran, which is testament to how much work you put in on our behalf. I really felt well taken care of, they could really learn a thing or ten from you over in JDK.

Steve for all your hard work toiling over the programme, making it possible for me to be home for velvet last saturday instead of this week, even though it ruffled a few feathers and gave you more headaches with the planning. Appreciate that big time!!

Rob, Jo, and Kat, for making duty cadet so much more fun than it should be, for always being so cheerful in the office, for all the hard work (cept rob who is always reading blogs or friendster...kidding!) Really made my stay so much more enjoyable!!

Enough... before i start crying again LOL

Bits, Bytes and Expectations (25/04/05)

2005-05-03T19:48:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Slew Foot – Dizzy Gillespie

What a week. A week I’d like to forget in a hurry, but will remember for a long time to come. I had my mid-phase check yesterday and despite my emotional and physical state, which I’d describe as tenuous at best (note to self: not sleeping is bad for you) I managed a good result. Good enough that the checking instructor wanted to recommend me straight up for my final check. Gotta be happy with that, especially since I know I was capable of better. I mean, I did have a pretty good flight, but I forgot a couple little things that I normally don’t – nothing critical, but I don’t like missing anything. BUT.. he didn’t recommend me because it isn’t protocol to recommend someone for their final check during a mid-phase. Additional drama unfolded as one of our training aircraft, one that I fly in quite often, but wasn’t in last night, developed some technical problems and had to divert to Brissie. Won’t say too much about what happened because this is a public site, but everyone got back safe.

I lost all my personal data on my com too. Months and months of work, personal writings, and sentimental stuff, wiped out because someone else was complacent. See, I had entrusted one of my housemates with what would ordinarily be a very straightforward task of reformatting my hard disk to re-install windows. I even left specific instructions. Somehow he managed to format not only my hard disk, but the portable one which I had used to back up all my personal documents. I mean COME ON!!! It’s not BRAIN SURGERY!! If you know me, I don’t accumulate much, because I haven’t had a permanent home, and I carry everything with me everywhere I go. What little I do keep is significant to me, and this force of habit carries over to other aspects of my life, i.e. my pc. Needless to say, I was pissed, but what to do, it was an honest mistake, by a well meaning friend, so how to get angry? One not-insubstantial credit card transaction later, I managed to buy software that promised to recover all my precious data, and now I’m poorer, but wiser. Lesson: If you want something done right, DO IT YOURSELF. I got all my stuff back and spent a couple days re-configuring everything back to how I like it. By the way if anyone out there needs data recovery services, call me.. cheap cheap.

Open discussion time.. I have always tried to practice one thing about having expectations – only expect something of someone if you are (a) capable and (b) willing to do it yourself. If I expect something that may be construed as not entirely desirable in terms of execution, I would definitely have done it before myself, or at least be willing and able to do it too. Is it fair to expect something of someone if you don’t do it yourself? Fairness aside, is it right to do so? Turn it around though, and you can see that it’s just me, and how I behave. Am I then wrong to expect something of someone else just because I am able and willing to do something?

Probably.

Up up and away!

2005-04-16T11:27:00.000+08:00

Listening to: 2004 Chillout Album, Ministry of Sound

Some dudes in Melbourne were recently done in for having a ton of ecstacy with a street value estimated at $250 meeelion dollars... think about that.. a TON.. where on earth would anyone hide a ton of eccys? Whats more worrying is, how come it got to that amount without the authorities noticing? No doubt the boys in blue say that they were waiting for the right time to strike, but come on.. how long does it take to churn out a ton of E's? How many other such operations are running around Oz, and indeed the world? Lets argue that one pill weighs 200mg, that would make it 5 BILLION pills, or enough to keep every man, woman and child in Singapore high and dancing badly to bad music for 3 years. Wasssuuuuupp..

My buddy has to go back home for a few days to clock some solo hours in order to validate his CPL. That's left me to fly all the sectors from this morning till he gets back, hopefully soon. It's pretty tiring, especially coupled with those 0345 am starts. Plus I guess I've kinda gotten used to working with him. On the upper side of things, I get to clock my sectors pretty quickly over the next couple days and that means that I am closer to getting home.

mmmmm.... laksa :)

Precarious, innit?

2005-04-13T16:51:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Somewhere only we know – Keane
Feeling: Angsty but composed

Two things really stuck out for me today, one is the difference between someone’s personality, as compared to attitudes and behaviour, and the other being the preciousness of life.

First up, personality is who you are (hobviously), it affects your ability to relate and interact with your environment, and the people in it. Researchers say that by about age 7, your personality becomes defined, and you are who you are. Attitudes and behaviour, on the other hand, are something we can control on a conscious level. The real benefit in understanding this difference is that you now realize that you can then consciously alter your behaviour and attitudes towards anything for the betterment of whatever situation you may find yourself in.

Second, I spent the whole day watching and learning from the mistakes of others. In almost all cases, there was catastrophic loss of life. I don’t know what it was, I guess it’s not something you really sit down and think about till it is presented to you. In all cases, people died. And it sucks that I just watched hundreds of lives end in just the space of a few hours. It is downright scary, just how easily something can happen and it will all come to an end. In one case, a fault the size of a grain of sand in an engine component led to the total loss of that aircraft. In another, crew with thousands of hours flying experience, misunderstood one single word - “Two-four hundred” was read back as “To Four hundred” - and that plane, a 747, went into a hill, killing everyone. The last words on the cockpit voice recorder were “Oh shit”. I felt sick at that point and considered going back to writing (I mean, paper cuts are less fatal I guess).

Those thoughts lasted about 2.8 seconds though. We all gotta go one day, and I’m not going to hide under a rock waiting for doomsday. Important thing I took away is that I don’t want to go that way, killing innocent people because I screwed up.

So then Marco, behaviour and attitudes must be right so that you don’t do just that.

Why play catch up when you can play catch me if you can?

2005-04-09T19:34:00.000+08:00

Last night was all I worked so hard to achieve. I finished the 4 hours in the box absolutely mentally buggered, but for once, almost entirely satisfied with my performance. Guess my instructor’s debrief and comments speak for themselves. I feel like I’m in pole position, excited and scared at the same time; getting out in front is easy – staying there is quite something else entirely.

Still, I think the reason I performed as well as I did lies partly in the emotional state I found myself in. I always concentrate better when I’m under pressure and upset. Warped ain’t it? Boss said he was going to put the squeeze on, and squeeze he did. My prevailing mental state allowed me to do the rest. I found I had to take another of my rabid night rides to clear my head and calm my blood.

Still, I ought to be ecstatic eh? Hardly, though.

All it means is that I have to work harder...

Tower, we have a technical problem, require holding brisbane 286 radial

2005-04-07T10:44:00.000+08:00

All my life, I’ve been searching for something
Something never comes, never leads to nothing
Nothing satisfies but I’m getting close
Closer to the prize at the end of the rope

All night long I dream of the day
When it comes around and it’s taken away
Leaves me with the feeling that I fee the most
Feel it come to life when I see your ghost

Gotta hate waking up on the wrong side of the bed, even if it is the same side I get out from daily. It’s not something that occurs often to say the least that I wake up feeling that way but for some reason, it decided to rear its ugly head. Not easy to describe the feeling; not really unsettled, not really upset, just a general feeling of malaise that is hard to shake off.

It reflected though, because I wasn’t right on top of everything I was doing yesterday. From breakfast through to the flight, even during debrief, my heart wasn’t in it. I just wanted to go back to sleep and not wake up. Taking a nap didn’t really help either, because all it did was make me groggy. What did help however was talking about it… spent a couple hours just rattling on, and all was good till I put my foot in my mouth again. Come on marc, why do you have to ruin things when all she wanted was to talk?

Went back to bed, but this morning was testament to just how well I slept, which was not well at all. I woke up probably half a dozen times in the 5 hours I was asleep, I look and feel like shit. Pounding head, sore throat, and that feeling you have just before you get sick. I don’t feel like going to work later, because being yelled at isn’t going to make me feel better. I’m tired and it’s going to be hard to concentrate.

Not going to happen though. I refuse to get sick, I refuse to give in to my mood, and I will not let it get me down. So stop this manja crap already dickhead and get back in it.

Itinerant

2005-04-05T15:45:00.000+08:00

Was watching the news today, and some dude got shot and killed by police special forces as they raided his house. The police spokesperson said that the suspect was "unfortunately, fatally wounded". Just what the heck is "fatally wounded"? Quite a bit of an oxymoron isn't it? I mean, the dude was shot and killed, there is no other way to put it... no idea what he did wrong, but thats the Victorian police for you.. shoot first, ask questions never.

Also caught the proceedings of the pope's funeral. Quite cool, really. I was really sad when I heard that he died; I sorta expected it, just not quite as this week I guess. Watched a documentary about his life and was close to tears.. more for the amount of good that he has done than the loss of his passing. I went to St. Peter's basillica years ago to see the pope, but as it turned out, blowjob bill was in town so we couldn't get an audience. Really awesome place though, and the sistine chapel is something that will always be etched in my memory.. how does a dude get inspired to paint like that? he painted the whole thing lying down!!

April's Fool?

2005-04-01T09:44:00.000+08:00

Q: What’s the difference between a high-class brothel and a school for daredevil motorcyclists?

A: One has an array of cunning stunts and the other… well you get the idea

*Ba-da-ching!*

Ok I’m in a good(ish) mood today, hence the corny humour. Despite the fact that I’m stuck in the office on duty, mired in menial tasks, I’m feeling quite chipper.

Seems like no one is in the office today, when I got in at 8.30, there was no one around, and I wondered if everyone was in on a joke I wasn’t aware of (it IS April Fool’s today afterall). Turns out that all the management types are in Singapore, the lucky buggers, to attend the big graduation ceremony.

Guess it got me thinking about my own, cos it seems like I’ve been doing this for quite a while now. I guess I’m just raring to get on with it, to start working for real. Is being eager a bad thing?

No time too lose! I’m off to plot some hare-brained and elaborate prank heh heh

Distant Thunder

2005-03-29T11:03:00.000+08:00

I managed a few hours sleep, thanks mostly to sheer exhaustion, without which I’d no doubt have found myself becoming better acquainted with the design of the ceiling. Had trouble focusing my eyes towards the end of last nights’ session, and even after the sleep, I find that there is a constant pressure - more a dull ache than pain - just behind the sockets. Still, there is a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach, and it won’t let me be.

One last chance to nail all the sequences in the sim, in less than 24 hours time, and till then, I gotta make sure that I know everything I need to know, so looks like it’s crunch time again. Base check this week, and though I’ve got that same quiet confidence that I’ll make it through, I know I won’t be happy with just a pass. I’m really looking forward to the start of the flying, but have to keep myself in check lest I get ahead of myself.

Base check is also significant because it marks the point where the days spent here will be longer than days left. After this, I’ll be slightly more than halfway home, and hopefully it will pass faster, I have never before felt the urge to stop moving, until now. I've always been the sort to live light and I crap you not, I have always been able to up and leave in under an hour; you should see my suitcase! No more of that for me. Till then though, I’m going to be like all 7 dwarves working overtime on speed. (remember that song that they sing? Hi-ho, hi-ho, its off to work we go..)

Lessons learnt recently –
Previously: Emphasis only on the big picture
Now: Look at the big picture, but don’t neglect details either!!

I’ve realized that I have forgotten how to micro-manage certain aspects of my life, allowing slips when I really shouldn’t, rationalizing these with the “big picture” theory. Big mistake – I shouldn’t accept lapses as long as there is overall forward progress, because it would mean an avenue for potential rot if allowed to take root.

Action(s) taken –
Evaluate the situation regularly, take action to correct lapses as soon as they become apparent, but don’t spend all day pondering on what else can be done, i.e. don’t lose sight of the big picture either.

And for CROM’s sake Mister Marcus, think about someone other than yourself for a change!!

Why can’t I be like him?

2005-03-27T09:34:00.000+08:00

I struggle not to lash out whenever I feel hurt over what should be something insignificant. I bitch, whine and moan about things, I do petty, spiteful things which do nothing to improve the situation.

I sometimes feel that every effort I make is futile, because I’ll never be good enough, I’ll never measure up. I know I am who I am, and not much can change that reality. But when faced with the problem of wanting to be something more than me, it gets served like a hot slap.

He took everything that was thrown at him, all the abuse, the prejudice, the hatred, and yet all he did was love even more. The pain and suffering he endured is beyond my own comprehension, and I don’t understand it. In the end, he gave up his life for people that didn’t give a damn, people that were ungrateful, people that killed him.

Thanks for everything, even if I don’t show it as often as I should. Happy Easter!

Good Friday

2005-03-25T10:43:00.000+08:00

So should I be sad? Or should I be happy?

I think... BOTH.

Gonna spend today in quiet contemplation and reflection I guess. Had a check sim session today, and did ok.

Didn't have the best of afternoons, and feeling rather unsettled still.

Just gotta remember the significance of today, and what it should mean to me.

Delirious Dribble

2005-03-21T13:53:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Traffic in the Sky – Jack Johnson

Truthfully, I’m not in any particular mood to write, but I need to do something – anything – lest I fall asleep. Got back at 4.30 this morning, but couldn’t sleep till almost 6, and thanks to my already messed up body clock, I woke up at 9.30. Gotta stay up though, gotta “re-train” myself for this week. Stupid planner messing with my beauty sleep… mumble grumble…

Had a rather swell session this morning though, everything played out just like I dreamed it, and it’s a real confidence booster, knowing that I came out on top, instead of the sim taking me for a ride :) Maybe that’s why I couldn’t sleep. I know I was ecstatic about it, but I guess that was just part of it. Could have been the coke (cola, not the white stuff) but then coke doesn’t normally prevent me from sleeping. It could have just been that my mind needed time to cool off and slow down, after concentrating so hard for so long. Whatever it is, I woke up this morning and to my mild annoyance/amusement, everyone else was still asleep (wtf? I went to work when they were in bed!)

Got an email from Boks asking me for a photo to put in The Thinking Pilot, our college publication, which was a nice surprise. I guess they’re trying to lift the game even further, which can only be a good thing – the rag has come a long way, and I took great pleasure in the 3 or 4 of the issues I worked on while I was in Perth. Maybe there should be greater co-ordination between Seletar, Jandakot and Maroochy, to make the publication more balanced in its appeal… hmm.. there’s an idea, but who’d be willing to take that on? I mean, it’s a known fact that management likes it, and they wouldn’t bother throwing money at it if they didn’t. I’m surprised some opportunistic brown noser hasn’t caught on yet. I suppose brownie points are not enough motivation for so much work, this sort of thing needs passion. At any rate, Boks is doing a great job, what with his media background and all. The first couple of editions were run by engineers, and we all know how creative they can be… plain black and white, almost no pictures, san-serif fonts, it was like reading a prospectus for a brown cardboard manufacturing facility in Timbuktu. I shouldn’t be so mean – I’m sure the people of Timbuktu are real nice and exciting :P (Timbuktu is a real place, for those of you that don’t know… its in East Africa)

Big shoutout to Stephie, the cause of my recent and most likely terminal case of jaw cramping grins, HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY! May today bring you peace, happiness, and love, to carry with you the rest of your life!

Peace out world, Jerry Springer is on the tube.

Backing the Clocks

2005-03-20T16:36:00.000+08:00

Watching, waiting, anticipating, each hour till I have to get out of bed. Sleep is alway impossible when you try. My head’s been spinning all afternoon. I woke up at 1000, not really that late considering it was getting close to light when I went to bed. I’ve been trying to get my body to comply with the work cycle, this week, my sims start at 2200 and go on till 0400. Thankfully, tonight will be the last night I have to do this, hopefully for a while at least. The painful irony of it all is that this coming week, all my sims will START at 0600… so it looks like Monday and Tuesday will be spent trying to re-condition my poor tortured circadian rhythm.

I know I’ll get no sympathy for it, especially from friends in the industry, but since this is my blog, I reserve the right to have a whinge :)

Was on the phone for absolute yonks last night, probably the first time in literally years since I’ve done anything like that. Kinda reminds me of secondary school, when sleep was something you worried about only in class :P All good though, as it helped me through the sleep wall, and a dose of Futurama after we hung up made for varied and rather interesting rapid eye movement later on!

Is this me I see?

2005-03-17T22:04:00.000+08:00

Every now and then I tend, as I’m sure many others do, to grab the reins and pull up, if for no other reason than to take stock of things. I find it crucial, to look back, to see the road that I’ve passed, to understand how and why I’ve come to be where I am. Life is full of change, ain’t it? A month ago, I was in Singapore, feeding my face. 6 months ago, I was so far away from anything I’d ever call home, I almost felt it would never end. 1 year ago, I was mired in what to me then was the most intense chapter of study ever (they said it’d get easier from there… liars) 2 years ago, I was a writer/researcher, sitting in a comfy office, with a comfy lifestyle. 5 years ago, I was a bum, with no dreams, no direction, and no apparent future.

Everything happens for a reason. It’s one of the tenements of my faith that has kept me quite literally alive. Along the way, I’ve managed to figure out why some things have happened the way they have, but not always. Things have changed in my life so much in just the span of 5 years, it’s almost scary. But I do remember that it was when I was feeling at my absolute worst, that I was touched, and given the strength to take one more step, then another. I was carried most of the way, of that I have no doubt, but once He saw fit that I should start walking again, He made it known. I guess it’s not easy to explain all this, because you really had to be there, to see for yourself the miracles that allowed me to be here today. The situations that allowed me the opportunity, the people that He placed in my life, who loved and supported me, they all fit somehow, and it’s just too much of a coincidence you know?

So what’s the point? Basically, I look back to see where I’ve come, I pause to take stock of my situation now, orientate myself, and then look forward to where I’m going. I’m not kidding myself, I know I have a heck of a lot more to face ahead, and each trial will bring its share of heartache. There is much I cannot see, above what I already can, that will test me. The ongoing struggles my family face on a daily basis serve to remind me how much I love them, how much is riding on me. My own expectations of myself as a person, a son, a brother, and a boyfriend keep me focused.

Today, I’m one step closer to being able to make a difference. Tomorrow will bring me another step. For now, the potential is there. It’s what I make of it. I’m thankful for heaps; that I’m closer to my family than I’ve ever been, even though I’m as far as I’ve ever been; having someone to share my hopes and dreams, who loves me despite of me.

Armed with their love, support and the knowledge that He will continue to look after me, I really feel that I have a chance to redeem myself, and to be worthy of all that I’ve been blessed with.

The harder I try...

2005-03-12T23:46:00.000+08:00

...the more it seems i fuck things up.

I hit the lights on these dark sets
I need a voice to let myself, to let myself go free
Put down your noose, I'll hang myself,
St. Anger round my neck
I feel my world shake
Like an earthquake
Hard to see clear
Is it me, is it fear?

Paranoid Android

2005-03-12T15:52:00.000+08:00

The water cascaded down my back, soothing the red soreness. It felt good to be outside again, out in the sun, breathing the fresh air. Life actually seemed to take on a whole different perspective when you didn’t have anywhere to go, or anything to do. I couldn’t quite recall when I last felt so content with my lot. Looking at my hands I saw the lines, creases that came with the passing of years, a reminder of what was. Years I spent locked away, years that passed without so much as a murmur of acknowledgement. I just closed my eyes, smiled, and reveled in my newfound freedom.

Ten minutes later, barely dry and wrapped in a fresh white towel, I found myself pacing, a loss as to what to do next. After so long, I was used to a schedule, a routine of mundane tasks that freed me from the chore of thinking, but they enslaved my being. I flipped the switch on the stereo, and stuck a CD in the slot. Music always helped, I mused, helped take away the monotony of existence, and let me escape. But now that I was outside, what did I have to escape from?

I had to admit, while I was exhilarated with the prospects and possibilities in store, I was just as afraid of them. There is a certain feeling of safety in familiarity, even if your existence was less than satisfactory at the time. I felt naked, vulnerable, even though this could have well been the safest place I’d been in a while. You couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of it all I suppose; I know I had to suppress a chuckle.

The clock seemed deafening in the silence, each second reverberating in the movement of the hands, echoing off the walls. Outside, the slightest of breezes wafted, shifting leaves so very slightly, creating a dappled pattern in the shade. The feeling was one of peace and fear, if there could be such a thing, the joy of being where I was, grappling for attention with anxiety found only in insecurity.

How it goes depends on what I choose right?

I was thinking, I’ve got a few pieces now, of just stuff, not anything coherent. I definitely don’t harbour delusions of writing a book, but I was wondering just what it would take to thread all of them together, to see just what it would look like, if it would be able to map the Devil’s Advocado. If anything it might make for amusing reading :)

The Only Constant is Change

2005-03-09T12:23:00.000+08:00

Evolution is a snazzy thing ain’t it? It’s an ongoing, never ceasing process, and it ignores time and space. I always marvel at the depth of variety, how two very different species came to be, under similar conditions. I guess necessity dictates change, but what about desire? Culturally, we’ve been changing, each generation developing its own uniqueness. On a personal level, all of us change and adapt, making use of experience, and also reacting to the environment. While the last bit might not be so much of evolution as personal growth, its close enough, it does use up the entire span of our lives.

3 hours is a blink when you’re deep asleep. It is an eternity when you’re trying to sleep, as I found out this morning. Finished my reading at about 3, and spent the next 3 hours staring.. at the fan, at the residual incandescence of the fluorescent tube, glowing that dim green. I watched till it got light, and got up to see the sun rise. Quite cool, I must say, especially since everything was so peaceful.

Watched ghost in the shell again, and voila! Instant mind-fuck.. need to go spend the rest of the afternoon straightening myself out now

Familiar Territory

2005-03-07T00:31:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Paint it Black – The Rolling Stones

Give me your lips for just a moment,
and my imagination will make that moment live
Give me what you alone can give,
a kiss to build a dream on.

I was visited by a couple of old friends the other day, and they managed to kick some sense into me with their absurdity. Governor Schwarzenegger, in the form of John Matrix, showed me that no matter how serious your face is, make a corny one-liner, you’re bound to make someone else smile. It also re-affirmed my faith in good-guy bulletstm. Matthew Modine, as Captain Dennis Gilborne , was the original straight arrow as far as I’m concerned. So focused he was on his job he verged on being anal about it. His dedication probably saved his life and that of his crew, but even he loosened up after his life took a corner at high speed. (Note: Who calls for flaps when you’ve just lost 3 out of 4 engines?)

It was good though, the familiarity of the characters helped me to sort out muddled thoughts in usual fashion. Rather than launch into a tirade and waffle about the intricacies of the character nuances, I’m just going to bask in the feel-good factor and chill, cos I’ve been crawling up my own ass with all the serious shit lately :P

When I was in school, I used to get a major rapping from the teachers because I never seemed to pay attention in class. My head was always in the clouds, they’d tell my parents, and then the fun and games would start. And while it looks like I’m on the way to prove my teachers right, some habits just die hard.. Both my mind and indeed my heart have found itself wandering thousands of kilometers away. Don’t think I’ve missed anyone quite so much in the longest time, and those that know the feeling would agree that it’s the best and the worst feeling in the world.

SSStatic

2005-03-06T17:15:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Take Five - Dave Bruebeck

I know as well as anyone that life ain't always going to go the way you thought, or planned. There's always going to be pitfalls along the way, pain and suffering. I've caused a lot of it myself, and while no amount of remorse will make the past right, I feel that I've been granted a chance to make things right for the future. I'm grabbing on with both hands and the only way to make me let loose is if you pry it from my cold dead fingers.

If you hurt or are in sorrow, if you despair, don't become bitter. Take comfort in the fact that God will never let it get one sliver too much for you to carry. Pick up your cross and carry on.

Gone Riding

2005-03-03T10:21:00.000+08:00

It’s cold. Not cold enough to stop, but certainly cold enough to clench my jaw tightly. It was already well past 1.30am when I geared up, and I’ve long ago lost count of the streetlamps. Maybe I should’ve worn something a little warmer, but no matter. If I press on harder, force my legs to increase the cadence, the blood will flow.

It’s dark here despite the streetlights, a stark contrast to Singapore. Lucky I remembered my own blinkers, because I’d very much doubt that anyone out on the roads this time of night would see me till I was a couple of bumps felt through their seats. So I press harder, my thighs feeling the strain as they push against the pedals. I tuck my body low, and adjust my helmet to let the air flow a little better through it, my eyes tear against the wind and chill, forcing me to squint and occasionally blink away the moisture. My lungs are starting to burn.

I’m pumped up though, convinced that the only way I’ll get to sleep tonight is to completely drain all my reserves, and in that respect, I know I’ve still got a way to go. Shit. Really should have worn at least my long sleeved tee. The hum of the knobbly tyres on the tarmac pitches commensurate with the effort of my straining legs, tonight the whine is a little higher than usual. Glancing at the speedo confirms what I already know.

I need to clear my head, to sort out all my thoughts and organize information in a manner that would render it easily within reach. I need to settle my restless soul, to calm myself down, lest it run out of control and overwhelm my rational thought. Lost in my thoughts, I startle and realize that I haven’t been keeping track of where I’ve been going, and I no longer know where I am. No matter, I argue, this ain’t the outback, and as long as I keep to the main road, I should be good to find my way back.

The kings of speed metal, Metallica, said it loudly. Anger is futile. Yoda said, anger leads to hate, and hate, to the dark side. I say, you only have one life to live, there’s no point if you don’t. Living means not obsessing with the things that get you down. It means being able to smile earnestly even when you’re nose deep in shit. It means never letting your negative side take over. Sure, acknowledge it, but deal with it, and keep going. If need be, channel the energy into something constructive. So I’m riding.

Hmm.. Coolum. That’s roughly north of where I live here in Queensland. Only 13 klicks? It felt like a bit more than that. Anyway, I take this as a sign not to push my luck. It’s fortunate that I recognize this place, because everything looks the same. I find my way back to the main arterial road that runs south back to the resort, and gun it. When I do stop, my heart threatens to push my eyes out of their sockets, my face feels drawn, like the blood has drained away, my vision isn’t defined anymore, and I feel little pricks in my hands and feet. Textbook case of hyperventilation :) looks like I remember some of my books afterall. It’s not cold anymore at least, the heat has built up inside my thighs and calves, radiating out. My chest heaves as I pace, trying to slow my breathing. Sweat pours down my torso, and there is literally steam coming off my shoulders. I resist the urge to take my tee shirt off, put the bike back in the garage, and head indoors.
So this brings me here, sitting in front of the computer, all fresh and clean and showered, just barely an hour after I left. I’m still feeling warm, but a lot more relaxed as I tap tap tap at the keys. Everything flows I guess. All that remains is whether I can sleep now or not. The sim session is still fresh in my mind, what I know, what I don’t, and what I need to do. The short verbal exchange with Miss O still gnaws at me, though my senses are somewhat dulled.

God please grant me the humility to accept the things I can’t change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. All I want is peace, and as I finish this and kill the lights, it might envelope me, but then it might not. Doesn’t matter, because I’m so freaking tired. Night night folks.

Boy am I going to feel this tomorrow…

Simulation Stimulation

2005-03-03T10:17:00.000+08:00

Woohoo!! And allow me to say this again for effect.. Woohoo!! Had my first couple of simulation sessions, and I feel like a kid in Funworld all over again.. I want one for my room! It would be one of the ultimate big boys toys, and should be mandatory for everyone to try at least once! What’s not to like? Big screen, big controls, lots of buttons that light up, and full 6-axis motion! Price tag’s a bit hefty though, at 120 MEEELIOON dollars.. but for that they’ll paint it any colour you like :P I’ll take one in black with chrome highlights thanks!

That said though, there’s lots of serious work that needs to be done on those things. I can feel the screws tightening with the workload starting to ramp up steeply, coincident with the learning curve. My instructor’s a good bloke, very professional, and from the looks of things, knows what buttons to push to load us up. It is early days yet, and it’s not possible for me to say what will happen, but I’m certainly hoping that the rate of pressure increase is like it is now – difficult enough to be challenging and keeping us constantly on our toes, but not too much that it becomes overwhelming and potentially countering any possible learning benefit. Fingers crossed.

I hope we can keep up this level of progress, its not too bad so far, but I’m mentally prepared for things to get worse. I just want to do well, get back, get on the big jets, so my life can settle down into some sort of “regularity” instead of having major disruptions every few months. But for now, I study, I practice, and I pray.

Stranger to the Ground

2005-02-27T12:11:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Leaving on a Jet Plane - John Denver

Antoine de Saint Exupéry, profound writer and aviator, said that he flew because it freed him from the tyranny of petty things. I agree. I had the privilege of an observer flight recently, and I got to see the world again. I wasn’t along for a free ride mind you, as I was expected to learn as much as possible, while performing some of the support functions normally allocated to the co-pilot. For minutes at a time though, I got to peer out the window and marvel at the emerald expanse sprawled beneath. Coasting at 40,000 feet, you look at the clouds just below bathed in the brilliance of the sun, and can’t help but think that angels themselves must live down there. It was that magic carpet ride I always dreamed of, the world going past at three quarters the speed of sound. Despite the thrum of the engines and the constant natter of the two pilots just in front of me, there was a sense of detachment and dare I say, peace. It was one of those moments I can only liken to sitting alone on a quiet beach, or coming home after such a long time away. One of those times you wish would go on forever.

Unfortunately flying doesn’t seem to have the same effect on everyone, and some remain petty, despite being privileged enough to be flying constantly. I’m not sure why it is, perhaps it’s the constant depressurization and subjection to low oxygen environments starving the brain, or perhaps the firm belief that the world is indeed not round and they are the centre of the universe. These people are always found to be discontent with their lot in life, always complaining about how hard they have had it, how they’ve had to struggle, a real “woe is me” outlook. They will pester anyone who will listen, and spread their dissent and unhappiness. To these people I proclaim loudly, “GO AWAY, YOU’LL NOT GET ME DOWN, DESPITE YOUR PETTY FOOLISHNESS, NYAH NYAH-NE NYAH NYAH” :) (What? I can’t be childish just once? :P)

When I first started this blog thingy, I wondered if I was going to be ok with all sorts of people reading my entries. Now I know. I’m cool with it, because they are a reflection of what goes through my mind. Some seem to like what I write (and I like you guys!!) some just want to take what I write and see something that isn’t there, twist it, and use it for evil (not literally, duh, this means you, bubbleheads, if you can’t appreciate my sense of humour, you need to uh, read more… either that or read Archie comics instead) I will continue to write, to do what my insides tell me is right. This includes living the way I do, loving the people I do, eating laksa whenever I want, lazing indoors on the couch on a beautiful day, or even eating ice-cream in bed. Without a spoon.

p.s. Since i was overwhelmed (read: 0 offers of help) with volunteers to aid me in my little computer geek problem, I went back to it and I win! I managed to fix the problem! Take that Bill Gates, you'll not get me yet!

Before the Storm

2005-02-26T15:51:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Fade to Black - Metallica

Woke up today, the same time as always. They say the older you get, the less sleep you need. That would make me about 127, wouldn’t it? My body complains that I need more rest, but my mind refuses to let me. It’s Saturday morning, I should be draped on the couch watching music videos, but it doesn’t feel like Saturday.

I’ve been here before though, it’s the same with the start of every new phase of learning. The curve is steeper than a pre-op Pammy, with what seems like miles to go to reach the top. There’s a huge chunk of granite not far from here that sort of resembles that curve, and before I am done here, I will see the rest of the Sunshine Coast from atop that monolith. I digress though, as is my usual M.O...

Been working with someone I don’t know, and while I can tell straight up that he is a great guy to work with, he brings years of real life experience with him, but there is always that initial stage where we are both trying to suss each other out, to get comfortable with each other. I suppose it’s more or less the same with every new relationship you build. I’m used to working with my coursemates, familiar people whom I’ve done almost everything with since day 1, so this is a little strange. Not new though, as even my close friends were once strangers.

Gearing up for tomorrow, both a little blind, not really knowing what to expect, and it could all very well fall apart with just a little pressure. There aren’t the usual avenues for male-bonding here either, so I guess I’m making an extra effort to be empathetic. In a couple of hours we’ll be going through the drills again for the rest of the day. Guess they weren’t kidding when they said we have to unlearn almost everything that we were taught in Jandakot, because we’re now training to play with the big boys.

The feeling is reassuringly familiar, with the clock tick-tocking down to H-Hour, I will start to put all doubts aside, my personal issues will be forgotten for a while, and I’ll put on the game face. Only one thing I see ahead, my goal, bathed in floodlights. This time tomorrow should see me kicking back in my usual way. Hopefully.

More Frustration!!!

2005-02-25T11:01:00.000+08:00

Can anyone tell me just what I'm not doing right?

I'm trying to get the wireless network up and running here, so we can all share the pitiful dial-up connection. Here's the theory.

All the laptops have wireless adapters, and the idea is to set up a peer-to-peer network, without the use of a router. After the network is set up and we can all see each other, we will be running a proxy software so that everyone can connect to whoever connects to the dial-up. It was working for a while, but for some reason, one of the computers has decided that it doesn't want to play anymore, and has become invisible, even though it indicates that it is connected to the network. Strange??

Strange enough that it kept me up till 3 this morning... now i'm pissed off so i'm going swimming instead.

Went for a ride yesterday, just a short one to get my body used to abuse again. Must say that while my butt is complaining today, I'm feeling quite good about it! BK managed to blow out a rear tyre just 300m after leaving the road, in the middle of a mosquito infested trail. The valve stem just sheared right off, which really shouldn't happen at all. I forgot to bring the tools, but lucky he had his spare. That fixed, we pressed on. Certainly a different feeling to riding in Perth, because the vegetation is a lot more close in, more like Singapore than Perth. Managed to work up a good sweat, and as usual, only found out about all the numerous cuts and scratches once i turned the hot water on in the shower...

On a much lighter note..

2005-02-22T16:38:00.000+08:00

Q: What happens when you throw oranges at a synagogue?

A: All the jews will come out

*Ba-da-ching!*

Been reading a comic strip, about the adventures of an air stewardess and I don’t remember chuckling quite so frequently at one webpage. I guess it isn’t for everyone, much like Futurama or Letterman, but it sure as heck tickles my funny bone (which I found out recently is called a humerus – who says scientists aren’t funny bastards?) Check it out in my little list of links.

I continue to marvel at the art form that is Jazz music. I mean, it has no strict disciplinary structure, rhythms can be well, out of rhythm, the combination of throbbing base and pitched timbre, well, it just seems to flow with feeling. Each instrumentalist picks up the crowd and hands it off to the next, like an ebb and flow. Throw in some smoky vocals and damn man, watch this boy sit transfixed! I especially like some of the old school stuff, that brash big band sound, combined with the likes of Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, even Sammy Davis, really gets me going.

I’ve had the fortune of growing up with this music, my grandfather was a fantastic jazz musician, and it ran in the family. All his cousins, the DeSouzas, Solianos, Franciscos et al. I think Uncle Louis still manages to stir ‘em up on the drums. I last watched him play at this joint in Boat Quay. Maybe I’m just biased :)

Speaking Openly (21 Feb 2005)

2005-02-22T16:35:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Diana Krall

I need to talk. I need to write. It’s the only outlet I have, the only way I could ever really express myself. Call it an inescapable need, my rationalization of my own irrational self.

Words mean nothing though; they can’t change the way I feel.

Two questions.. I mean.. always with the questions isn’t it? But I ask these of myself because they won’t leave me be. Perhaps I shall pose them rhetorically. How far would you go to attain that which without you cannot live? The way I look at it, you’re fucked if you do, and most certainly fucked if you don’t. The only option then, is that there is no option. You have to press on, all the way, damn the torpedoes, bite the bullet, pay the price, and leave the rest in the hands of the almighty.

BUT. What if you wouldn’t die if you didn’t attain it? Would you then go all the way knowing this? Bit tougher, this question.. but every bit relevant because it applies to practically everything in my life I can think of. If I don’t succeed in this course, I can always do something else, I won’t die. If I don’t end up happy in life, it certainly won’t kill me. Even if I lost everything in life that meant something to me, I’d still breathe the next day. Surely I wouldn’t put my life on the line then?

Hernan Cortez probably had the same sort of thing going through his mind, either that, or he was just plain nuts. His plan worked out though. Mahatma Ghandi wasn’t quite so fortunate. He could have backed down, he would have lived, but he didn’t. 10 points if you see the irony between these two characters.

So HOW? Now that is a question that begs to be answered.

I haven’t got that answer, because it’s not mine to answer.

I’m tired. Frustrated. Sick of all the bullshit. The weight I carry on a daily basis constantly threatens to overwhelm me. It’s one of the reasons I have the attitude towards life that I do. Some say it’s cocky, or cavalier, some say happy-go-lucky. I say that it’s the only way I can hold it together. Personal issues aside, I’ve never had anything to really complain about in life, I’m keenly aware of my blessings and it’s kept me going. I’m always alright ;)

I just don’t know. I don’t really talk about my personal problems, and I’m not about to change just yet, but I am in emotional turmoil. I mean, never before have I been so upset at what would by all other accounts be a small matter. What’s wrong with me!? Get a grip Marc, there’s too much riding on you to screw up, so button up and focus.

At the end of it all, there is no option is there?

First Impressions (19 Feb 2005)

2005-02-22T16:31:00.000+08:00

Blasting out: Foo Fighters

This place is an absolute torture!! (At least that’s what we’ve been told to tell everyone) but with a name like Pacific Paradise Resort, who am I kidding? It’s almost like Singapore, weather-wise, save being a couple degrees cooler. Brilliant sunshine, cool breeze, and mere minutes from work; did I mention that the back door opens up to the river? Just 10 steps and cast the line, dinner should be along shortly :)

This time I lucked out (sort of) and scored a single room with a nice big bed, the first time in my entire life that I’ve had that luxury. The big bed was in the nice big room with ensuite, with a balcony overlooking the river, but I can’t be that lucky obviously, so the pragmatic arrangement had me moving to one of the smaller rooms (but I get to keep the bed). It’s comfy enough though, and I have my whole setup going :P will post pics once I get a chance. It’s the first time in my life I’ve had a whole room and a double bed to myself, I shit you not.

Bonus is that I got my bike here, and I’ll be off on a ride tomorrow! Gonna go explore the surrounding areas, and the beach is about 1.8km from here. The Sunshine Coast beckons!

Work is the ultimate equalizer, with the pile of manuals sitting on my desk a constant reminder of how much I need to do before I even start the sims. I’ve been immersed in an oozing vat of flying related spiel, a lot of it specific to this aircraft that I’ll get to fly maybe 10 times.. Not complaining though, cos its one helluva sexy beast!

On a not so cheery note, I found out inadvertently that someone I know has been doing some rather not so nice things in the form of gossip behind my back, in what I can only imagine is an attempt to undermine me. No real sweat off my back because I know this person’s character well, and he needs to overcompensate; for what I have no idea, but he does it by flaunting his father’s wealth as well as putting others down, oh, and lots of talking about himself. He believes himself to be shit hot, though his record seems to suggest otherwise. I’d rather let my results do my talking, thank you very much; I shouldn’t be 2 weeks ahead of boy wonder, especially since he joined 6 weeks ahead of me, but who’s really counting? :)

Whimsical wonderings (16 Feb 2005)

2005-02-22T16:29:00.000+08:00

Listening to: General Electric Turbofans (Yeah Baby!)

It’s all relative, so they say. I guess Einstein sort of had the right idea, even if he was never able to find his unifying theory. Everything, including time, moves relative to everything else, and if you aren’t watching, you’ll miss the subtle nuances and shifts.

3 weeks have passed since I finished Jandakot and I find myself yet again sitting in the tail of another Jubilee. It’s got just enough déjà vu-ness to keep me mildly bemused, just enough to keep me off-kilter, and just barely enough to make me wonder if it will never end.

This time I’m on my way back down-under, 2nd star on the left, and straight on till dawn. Peter himself should have been so lucky to have such fine companions as mine though. Wicked is fast asleep next to me, Loose and Raist are in the row just behind immersed in the in-flight entertainment and Lewinski is across the aisle, reading the paper. These guys have been my colleagues, friends, and confidants since day 1, and I consider myself truly blessed and more than a little fortunate to be among them.

I still find it really hard to believe that I am where I am today, that one day I’m going to fly planes, and actually get paid for it. 18 months have passed since I started this little adventure which shows no sign of relenting its grip on my heart, threatening to consume my very existence. The feeling hasn’t changed; goose bumps when the jets take off overhead, the smell of jet-exhaust, that immense relief and face-splitting grin following a good landing. If anything, they’ve gotten more intense, taking on a new dimension, with personalities of their own, variable and subtle much like a good cab sav after a couple minutes of air.

Before I put my name down on the dotted line and oh-so clichedly signed my life away, I asked myself if I would give up every chance of finding true happiness with another for this opportunity. It took all of 0.0129 seconds for me to answer. Of course I would! The same question came to me again 2 weeks ago, and I’ve been deliberating. It’s taken this long, and the answer is still the same, though not quite as convincing. Ultimately, I’ll pick the flying over everything else in life, but the thing is, humans are not easily satisfied, least of all me, and I want more.

Lois has been both the boon and bane of my life. I think she knows what I mean. I’ve found myself in a position that I swore I’d never allow myself to be in. But I can’t help it. Dare I say it? I know not why now, or even just plain why, but I do know that Miss Lane haunts my dreams. And now as I leave again, I find myself in that familiar position; never more alone in the crowd. I’d like to pull away and deny myself, but there’s no way I can, not now.

Muhuhahahaha

2005-02-21T09:03:00.000+08:00

The foolish earthlings have all gone out for some meeting and left me in charge of the office!! *Evil bellow*

I actually did have some stuff to post up here, but I left it at home (sounds like the same excuse I used to give my teachers). REALLY.. I did leave it at home. I'll put it up if I can steal (read: borrow) someones thumbdrive. I really should get a CDRW or something..

I ought to be buried under a pile of work, but who can resist? NO GAHMENT, I can run amok! They've actually got me doing a pile of meaningless and menial crap, and all because my Sim buddy didn't come till Saturday and our schedule for training starts this weekend (long story there in itself). In the meantime, I plot and scheme, planning my domination over the puny administrators that dare subject me to their litany!! MUHUHAHAHAHA... All fear me, for I am El Bandito!!

Oh shit.. i think they're back.. *hits alt-tab*

Like A Thief In The Night

2005-02-12T17:02:00.000+08:00

Listen to that. What do you hear? Nothing. That’s right my friend, while you sleep, tucked in your safe little bed, here in my company I keep.

The air is moist, heavy with a cloying smell of decaying flowers and deadfall. The faintest hint of musk swirling in a soup clinging to every surface of everything. Not a sound, no trace of the cacophony of cicadas that infested the same air with their shrill cries, before the sun set. No, my friend, ‘tis not the witching hour, for even they must give way to something else. Near the quickly cooling ground, the thickening air pools, shifting so very slightly under its gathering weight, struggling to remain invisible, drifting in and out of our realm.

Under cover of boughs starting to glimmer with condensation, it is too dark for shadows, and I push through the murky ooze. Every step measured, every sense peaked, my nostrils so overwhelmed with odours and bouquets of a million different smells, I can taste it. Every rustle underfoot raises hairs on the back of my neck, each follicle picking up a microscopic droplet of cold dew. Wild eyes peering in every which direction, trying to pierce the dark, but seeing nothing. Every step brings me closer to you, my love.

A crash behind me, as a leaf, overburdened with the weight of moisture falls, spiraling to the ground. I can almost see it cut a swathe through the air, shockwaves reverberating in the silence as it impacted its already fallen peers. A slight pause, as my weight shifts, my every movement agonizingly deliberate, each heartbeat lasting forever. I reach the boundary of the darkness, where the moonlight virtually blazes, revealing the true nature of every breath. It all seems so open and a moment of uncertainty threatens my resolve. There must be no turning back, because ahead is where my fate lies. Drawing upright from my hunched over crouch, my left foot steps from the darkness into its shadow, right following suit, and I am without any protection. Ahead lies a two-story house, brilliant grey in the moonlight, its dark windows gaping and leering at me, challenging me. The grass between my toes is cold and wet, each footstep gently cushioned but leaving trace of passage with slowly uncurling blades in shallow indents. And in an instant, I am up against the walls. My fingers brush the dank whitewashed wall; it feels both hard and soggy at the same time. So close! Eyes closed, a hellish grin splits my face, the anticipation of the impending causing my fingertips to tremble and my blood to surge. Directly above is a set of bay windows, opaque from condensation. To their right, another set of windows, set flush into the wall. The tile awning protruding from below these try to screen my observation, but I already know what lies beyond the slippery terracotta skirt.

The air-conditioning compressor fan kicks in, startling the silence, and I press up against the wall, willing my being to meld with the lichen and the moss. The smile fades away leaving just a furrow at the corners of my eyes, intent on obtaining my prize. Two deft movements and I am level with the lower edge of the bay window. In this moment bizarre as it may seem, my eyes run over the minute cracks crisscrossing the paint. Hairline fractures lace the seam where the dark aluminum of the frame meets the ageing mortar. Is this you I see before me, or is it me? My blood pounds against my eardrums, in a roaring deafening tide, and my heartbeat threatens to dislodge me from my precarious perch, yet my mind remains detached, each movement of my body as if by remote control, each fiber of my being actuated by thought alone and then I am inside. There you are, my sweet. You lie there, oblivious to the world outside your window and the room you are in. A form lying supine, chest heaving so slowly and gently, eyes shut and face completely relaxed. So beautiful you are. My extended hand moves towards your face, fingers hovering just a microsecond away, longing to caress you and brush the jet strands away from your perfect and peaceful mien. My lips silently scream for yours, remembering the sweetness and softness almost as if they never left mine. Every molecule of my soul cries out in the agony of not being able to touch you and hold you close. It is time.

The sun pries its way through the Venetian blinds, reaching across the room in brilliant rays of light spaced with shadow. The shifting light eventually comes to a rest across my covers, searing my eyes. My phone vibrates, a persistent tremble, increasing in intensity coincident with my rising consciousness, and now its tone becomes apparent. It is 7.30, time for the day to start, for the real nightmare to begin.

Going underground for a bit

2005-02-12T16:56:00.000+08:00

Well much as I hate to leave my adoring audience (yah right marc), I gotta disappear underground for a while. You know its only cos of the exams :)

So deep into my burrow i crawl, and when i pop up again, it should be somewhere south of the equator, somewhere rather laid back, somewhere sunny, somewhere tranquil.

In the meantime, I've sort of left something for you to read, one of my ramblings so to speak. enjoy but please don't freak out ok? I usually don't know what goes through my mind when I start writing stuff...

Here's one from a couple months ago...

Gyros and Gimbals

2005-02-12T15:58:00.000+08:00

When Bill Lear penned the original Learjet in 1962, he had a vision - to create an aircraft that would change the face of business travel forever.

Boasting two Garrett turbofans, each producing in excess of 3500lbs of thrust, the model 45 was unveiled in 1992, and is what is used by SIA for its advanced training. It will out-accelerate an RSAF A-4 Skyhawk at any speed, right up to its maximum speed of Mach 0.78. It will do this while cosseting up to 6 passengers in wide leather seats, for up to 5 hours at a time.

I suppose his success speaks volumes for this vision, for the name Learjet has become synonymous with executive business jets, used much in the same way as the word Scotch-tape, (from the American company 3M). It is after all just one model in Bombardiers rather impressive lineup, but arguably the most iconic. From world leaders to oil-sheiks, business magnates to multinational corporations, its draw is far reaching.

I just don’t think that he quite imagined though that some dumb cadet would get to fly the thing just for the sake of training! While this very same dumb cadet is excited, looking forward to the chance to get his grubby hands on an aviation legend, he’s also struggling to squeeze all the information needed to get there into his puny skull.

What Age Do I Act??

2005-02-08T13:53:00.000+08:00

You Are 28 Years Old

28

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Funny that.. I guess I've stopped acting my shoe size for the time being!!

Loony New Year

2005-02-08T07:20:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Lea Salonga & Brad Kane - We Could Be In Love

Is it really almost the middle of February? Apparently so!

It's a mad, mad rush from A to B isn't it? Time to pause for a second to take stock of whats been happening, to re-evaluate my life thus far, to see how far I've progressed/regressed this year, and to see what exciting little adventure life holds for me just ahead.

Sitting here in my room in the middle of Seletar, in the growing awareness of a dawning day, all seems peaceful in itself, and well it should be. This place has always had a calming effect on me, though some others haven't have quite as fond an experience.

It's been a heck of a roller coaster ride, and the excitement and thrills seem to be coming thick and fast. I'm currently sitting in the front car, being hoisted so slowly to the top of the big drop, heart pounding with anticipation and anxiety, dreading the drop, but unable to extricate myself. The strange feeling of peace that often is a prelude to what must seem like the end. It's a mixture of fear and wanting to follow this ride all the way to the end. I anticipate lots of screaming, flailing of arms, excited gibberish, a strong desire to throw up, mixed with an adreneline rush that will threaten to pop my puny skull.

I've been partying hard, and studying perhaps not as hard, (which i'm trying to rectify -HONEST!!) I've seen a couple of friends drop the ball and buang the paper that I have in less than a week, and I will not be a statistic. Or at least not a crappy one :P

My personal life has seen more change than MJ's nose, but thankfully it's not quite as suceptible to melting in the heat of the moment. I've been blessed, as always, with friends that have been nothing but wonderful to me. I've floated in the heady bliss of emotions and pheremones, letting go of my tenuous grip on safety. Grandma is back from Melbourne, I hadn't seen her for 9 months, and all of a sudden its as if I never went. Such is a grandmothers love eh.. gotta love it! (Not to mention a grandmothers cooking hehehhe)

Anyway, I'm nearing the top of the ride, now comes the expectant moment, a pregnant pause, ready to pop and send all illusions of serenity screaming out the window. Brace yourself kiddo, the next few moments are going to be the worst - and best.

Oh the Humanity!

2005-02-04T01:50:00.000+08:00

Is it possible for my heart to leap with joy and expectation and sink do the depths at the same time?

Simple answer - yes

I guess thats what makes me human, for without the feeling, life would be pointless. So while my smiles lately have been tinged with something other than happiness, I have to be thankful for the feeling inside me. So long as I feel, life is worth the living and love will continue to grow within me. Hopefully.

Decided against posting the bit of writing I was originally thinking of putting up because the dark reflections would mar the lovely normally cheerful nature of my work.. though I have debated that it would be fitting in its own way. Will think about it a bit more.

The more things change, the more they stay the same

2005-02-01T20:27:00.000+08:00

Went down to Orchard Road for the first time last night, just to have a look see and as usual, the world halts momentarily while I go through a whole flood of thoughts, much like my very own matrix-like bullet time. sans cool shades and trenchcoat. I was literally assaulted, my senses almost overwhelmed. The clatter of diesel engines, rumbling busses and buzzing motorcycles combined with the smell of exhaust, food, perfume pervaded the hot humid air. All I saw was a throbbing mass, a sea of bobbing heads, and my hands tingled with the feel of hot rubber from the escalators going underground near Tangs.

I couldn't help but feel a little bit lost, or displaced, in somewhere that was so familiar. I mean, everything was how it should be, more or less, I found myself intuitively remembering the locations of things, and my place relative to them. At the same time, there were lots of very subtle yet distinct differences, almost like a tension in the air. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it sort of felt like I was in the same place I remember, just that it wasn't quite the same. It was a very gentle unsettling, like, when you leave home and you think you forgot something.

I thought of this episode of the Twilight zone, of all things. There is one I remember where this dude goes back in time, accidentally steps on a butterfly, and when he goes back to his time, everything seems the same, except everyone speaks a different sort of language. So yea, it was quite interesting. I think for anyone who has walked up and down Orchard Road week in and week out, the changes blend in, becoming part of that person's world. For spacemen like myself, the world as I remember is much the same, except I've stepped through a dimensional door to the next closest universe. No sweat, I mean, in time I'm sure i'll get accustomed to everything and this new world will become mine again, its just interesting to note thats all.

So anyway I've got a ton of stuff to read through and study before the exams. I guess things don't really change at all. They just shift, but more or less remain the same.

*edit* Went to the gym yesterday and today I'm reminded why I don't go in the first place.. Today went swimming (very slowly) instead, and also went down to check out my future office :P Chief Pilot organised an excursion for a fleet visit, and we got to see the MEGA ARK.. it wasn't that Mega, but it was impressive nonetheless :) i'll sleep happy tonight!

There is method to my madness

2005-01-30T13:41:00.000+08:00

Contemplated going to the gym to give the old body a bit of a heave-ho, but then decided to lay in bed till the feeling passed. Might have to compromise and head out to the pool for a bit of a laze then..

Its been exactly 7 days and 5 hours since i got back to Singapore and already I feel a certain restlessness. I think its the lack of sleep, the craziness of it all, the intense activity, building tension and pent up energy that has been building up inside me. Not quite sure what it is right now, but i'm still excited about everything. Only 2 weeks left, but I haven't started stressing for the exam. That will come later I'm sure, as always has been the case. In the meantime, Velvet, Balaclava, Wala Wala, all beckon, and I must heed the call!

Discovered Luuusssh (thats how i say it!) 99.5, and I swear I'm never changing channels on my radio again!!

Been thinking about posting up one of my bits of prose that I start rambling on whenever I'm so inclined (as if I don't ramble enough already) but I'm a little afraid that it would reveal something about me that not many know about. At the same time, it could prove to be beneficial, as I'm trying to open myself up more, to develop meaningful and lasting relationships with my friends and those I love. Lets have a vote.. leave comments as to whether you'd like to see a little more of me :P

It’s all about the FOOD

2005-01-28T16:12:00.000+08:00

I must say I’m having quite a good time. I’ve eaten well more than I ought to these last few days, though I’m not showing any remorse. Truly, one of the things that I missed most about being away was the distinct lack of local flavour. I’m gleefully putting back the weight I lost recently, and boy is it a yummy way of doing it :P

Couple of things have cropped up recently too. First of all, I’m feeling rather pleased with myself, because today I went to pick up my wings! I’ve never in my life ever imagined that I’d one day have wings pinned to my chest, and I still find it rather hard to believe. I mean, sure, I’ve been aware of what’s been going on the last 15 months, and where it had to lead up to, but all the same, holding the gold pin in my hand today was just absolute magic. I’m thinking of reporting them lost so I can keep them somewhere, and use the replacement wings for work instead :). Can’t quite describe the feeling inside right now, but it sure beats anything else I’ve ever felt!

While I’m here, I might as well grab a couple of lines to bitch and moan about something (you didn’t think it would be all sunshine and roses did you?) As of late, I’ve been getting the distinct feeling that I get compartmentalized. I think it’s mostly because of Friendster. I’ve managed to meet up with plenty of old friends online through the site, and met some really special new ones too. The thing is, without the usual avenues for getting to know someone, it’s become so easy to pigeon-hole a person based on his or her profile. I for one have been labelled a player, if you will. Upon further query, those who have thought this of me said that it was largely due to the number of testimonials I have from female friends. Me, I always believed that the reason I do happen to have female friends is because I really make it a point not to hit on them. Simple as that, but noooo, if Marcus is seen to be going out with different girls, he must be a player.

It’s fine, I fully understand where these people may be coming from, and I respect their right to have an opinion. I don’t really care what people say about me anyway, because I don’t answer to them and my conscience is clear. What does irk me however is the fact that I’m not really given the chance to build up a real relationship with them because they won’t be able to see past the image they have of me, which is sad because it really does defeat the purpose of getting to know someone better. Compounding this is my own slowness to open up, which inevitably leads to a reinforcement of the original opinion, because it is perceived as being cagy about things.

I’ll probably stay off Friendster for a bit, and resume getting to know new people the old fashioned way.. that is, through real conversation. But I guess the upside to this is that only the people that really want to get to know the true me, will.

Stuff I meant to post earlier, but didn't!

2005-01-28T16:05:00.000+08:00

I'm Ba-aack!

I haven’t stopped grinning. It’s starting to hurt and I’m contemplating botox shots. A great weight has been lifted off my shoulders, a light feeling of euphoria only those who have gone before my have known, a feeling soon to be experienced by those after me.

I’m sitting here in row 64, right in the tail of SQ216, being buffeted around all the way, something I would normally loathe and bitch over, but not tonight. After a couple of last minute setbacks, I have survived JDK, doing well – nay – absolutely demolishing the flight test. The day test went without a hitch on Friday, except I didn’t get an ILS and had to fly another sortie today to get it done. That short 35 minutes it took from startup to shutdown was the best half hour of the last 38 weeks. I knew I passed even before the props stopped turning. The night circuits portion of the test went well enough, with practically no debrief needed. When CFI smiled and shook my hand after the flight, it dawned on me that it was more than a test, it was a validation. I flew that plane. All by myself, without any help. It will be the last time I ever fly single-pilot ops, and I’m saddened by that thought, but the end of this chapter opens another, one of multi-crew, multi-engined, jet flying.

I’m sure it will hit me tomorrow; I’m going to wake up and go for prata. I’ll be back home. I’ll see friends and family once more, albeit briefly. I know that the culmination of my training in Perth has been at a cost, and the amount of work that I put in for the last few flights has taken a toll on me physically. I’ve actually lost 3 kilos in the last 2 weeks. All this however would not have been possible if not for the grace of God. I had a magnificent last flight and I couldn’t think of a better way to end off my stay in Perth.

A big hello to all my peeps, I’ll be talking to you real soon! Just 2 hours to touchdown :)

Somedays are good...

2005-01-16T22:41:00.000+08:00

Others not so good.

Today being one of them. Any setback at this stage in the game is not good.

This has to be a short one, because I gotta get back to the books.

My next post will be from home.

The Pointy End

2005-01-10T13:29:00.000+08:00

I’m starting to feel the pressure now. All the classic symptoms are there, I’m starting to talk a lot more rubbish, palpitations, waking up suddenly, difficulty sleeping, mind racing, and that annoying tightness just where my neck meets my shoulders. Sure, who doesn’t go through any stress in life? I suppose it’s not something I’d really worry too much about, but something I can’t ignore. It’s getting close to crunch time, the final innings, bottom of the 9th, the home stretch, end of the line, do or die, (I told you I'm starting to ramble) and I’m not entirely sure if I’ll be able to make it through. The progress check is 2 flights away, the flight test 6.

I’m putting a lot of it out of my mind, by thinking about what I’m going to do when I get home. The reality of the situation is that at this stage in the game, I’m going home, one way or another. Talking to friends has helped a lot, because I can unleash my rubbish on them and that relieves some of the pressure. It isn’t a cure so much as a stopgap, and I’m aware that over the horizon lays more difficult days, but I don’t want to think about that now. It’s just that I just can’t fight that niggling feeling that I’m not doing enough, at the end of the day, its going to be me and the Baron, with the CFI along for the ride. Will I be able to cope?

I want this so bad I can taste it.

Why must we endure suffering?

2005-01-05T21:44:00.000+08:00

A friend of mine told me about someone close to her who is going through some pretty bad stuff. I mean, multiple relapses of cancer, pneumonia, you name it. The lady who is going through this difficult time is by all accounts a good woman, loved by all around her, and pious in faith. It brought back memories of when my grandfather was fighting the same thing and I found it terribly difficult to deal with, mainly because it was so hard to see someone you love have to suffer so much.

My friend asked me why good people have to suffer. Anyone know? I certainly can’t claim to. I thought about it pretty long and hard though, and after a while, things started to make some semblance of sense. I had a mini epiphany of sorts last night while flying from Perth out to Cunderdin. Chris, my instructor, turned off all the lights. And I mean ALL the lights, even those in the cockpit. All of a sudden, there we were, floating in the pitch black moonless night, suspended somewhere between heaven and earth, at the edge of a brilliant star-filled galaxy. It was one of the most surreal and beautiful experiences ever.

Which draws me to my two-cents worth. If I had seen this sort of night every night of my life, it would be ordinary, not special. If I had good food absolutely everyday, it might as well taste like wet cardboard, because I wouldn’t know any different. Without pain and suffering, our lives would probably have no meaning, being devoid of any feeling. My grandfathers suffering and subsequent passing touched me in a way nothing else has to date. I felt that it was unfair, and I wanted to get angry, but didn’t. I just appreciate every day I have more. I used to take waking up for granted, and sometimes I still do. I’m trying though, to live my life better.

Another day, another year

2005-01-01T13:45:00.000+08:00

Should today be any different than the rest? I remember this story, about a man who was asked what he would do if he knew today was going to be his last. Most people would say they’d like to make amends for all the wrong things they’ve done, or tell their loved ones just how much they mean to them, but this man said, “I’ve tried my best to live my every day in a way befitting god, why should my last day be any different from my first?”

As the old year has gone, so has the new one come in. Millions of people around the world are celebrating, making their resolutions and such. Just as many people didn’t make it to this year. Two things I want to say. Firstly, if we try to live our lives well, to be everything we can be, in a manner that makes us good human beings, do we really need to make resolutions on this day? Why can’t we make them everyday as part of our growth? Second, if you think you’ve got it bad, you haven’t, because there is always going to be someone worse off than you. I don’t want to mope because I think I’ve gotten a bum deal in life, rather, I’d like to be thankful for every blessing that I’ve had, even the tiniest ones.

Case in point. I had to cancel my flight today, due to an aircraft malfunction that occurred just as I put the power in for take off. I was fortunate it happened then and not at a critical stage of the take off (which almost certainly would have left more than one set of skid marks). So the take off was aborted, and the flight cancelled. This has other ramifications, because my instructor will be going on leave, and this is a rather critical stage of this phase. Basically, I’m boned. But I suppose going back to Singapore late is better than not being able to go home at all.

So if you’re feeling sad, chin up. If you reach your lowest low, take heart that it can only get better. If you think you can’t take it anymore, you’re wrong, because you can.

Focus Focus Focus!

2004-12-27T23:34:00.000+08:00

Saw this really funny t-shirt today, it was like:

I’m a piolet (crossed out)
I’m a pylot (crossed out)
I’m a poilot (crossed out)
I fly planes

thought it was quite funny.

ANYWAY, this must be some new kind of blogger record for me.. 3 posts in less than a week!!! Things must really be going to hell around here eh? I'm going through a little spurt where nothing but thoughts have been streaming through my mind and finding themselves on Word. In the last 4 days, i've written 4 short stories, and nearly 13 pages of bloody long-winded prose about my childhood. Call it therapy. The company knows I damn well can't afford any kind of shrink.

The POINT is (and yes, there is one this time) why am I spending so much time on something that doesn't get me anywhere. Sure, I do love writing, heck, I used to be a writer, but thats not going to make me any better at what I'm doing now right? I suppose I did spend hours over the weekend poring over mind-numbingly boring manuals and SOPs and AIPs, most of which were not in english, but some ancient form of hebrew for all I could decipher. Not enough. I have to re-double my efforts, keep my eyes on the prize and damn the torpedos. Which is why I'm stopping here, and getting back to my planning for tomorrow morning's sortie, which is in 7 hours time.

In the meantime, FOCUS, you freaking moron!!! That CAO isn't going to read itself!! This aint the matrix where you can just download stuff onto your brain.. though that would be pretty cool eh.. OK STOP!!! I'm outta here

What Santa left for me!

2004-12-25T14:12:00.000+08:00

Christmas is usually my favourite time of year. I get to spend quality time with loved ones, especially my family, we all get together and have a great time, stuff ourselves silly with turkey and ham and yummy goodies. We laugh, talk about last christmas and what we're going to do next year. We also talk about the year gone by and marvel at how fast its past. Then there's the pressies. I love getting pressies almost as much as I love giving them! Its always a ball, all differences are forgotten, and everyone is always smiling.

This year, I am without any of those things. My nearest family is 4000km away, Christmas lunch was mediocre at best, and Jandakot, resembling an old folks home most days of the year, has become even quieter, believe it or not. truly, not a creature is stirring, not even Jeremy's blue tongued lizard (I think he's feeling too hot) I really should be quite miserable, but I'm not.

You see, last night (or this morning, depending if you're time-sensitive or not) at midnight mass, something happened. This was the first time in my own short history that I've ever attended a Christmas mass by myself and I was sort of dreading it, having all these images of really happy families and couples in my mind. During a quiet moment of reflection after communion, the strangest sensation came over me, and i couldn't help but smile. It was more like a maniacal grin, and you'd be forgiven if you thought I'd finally lost the plot. You know, gone over the edge and around the bend, bonkers, lost me marbles, one apple short of a pie, lights on with no one home sort of thing.

I got the best christmas present I could ever want, because I found myself again.

Thanks santa / god

What Christmas means to me

2004-12-24T21:25:00.000+08:00

Things have been going well for me on the whole this year, that’s not to say that its all been up, just that the plusses have outweighed the minuses, and for that I’m thankful. I suppose at the end of the year, we all tend to look back and take stock of what’s happened, to reminisce and to reflect, on what was, what might have been, and what you’d do different next time round. For me, the years seem to pass even faster than ever. Before I know it, I’ll be 50, and seconds later, 150. After that, who knows.. maybe 450?

Significant moments which left me sad include being away from any semblance of family for so long, and the axeing of my buddy Zul, whom I have utmost respect for (miss hanging out with you bud). On the plus side, passing my ATPL exams in one go, getting to know my course mates better whom I’m proud to call friends, passing all the flying tests so far in one go have been real uppers. I’ve also had the pleasure and great honour to meet new people, who have taught me (perhaps not always overtly) new things, about myself, and about how we all fit in this puzzle.

I’ve also learned to open myself up again, to be able to tell people about the things that make me sad or happy, to slowly take down the walls I’ve so carefully erected around my inner being. Recently, someone came into my life, and made me smile from the inside, but just as quickly, the smile upended. I’m thankful for this brief pang because it reminded me of something I tried to keep buried, something I hide with a fascia of nonchalance and stoicism. And even though my instinctive reaction was to feign apathy, whilst frantically re-motaring the defenses, something stopped me. I looked out my window and saw that nothing had changed. The world still looked beautiful to me, even the crappy dead plant just below my window seemed to fit. So I guess if things are the same on the outside, then it makes no difference if the walls are there or not. So down they will stay.

The big boss-dude, who looks after me no matter how much of a fool I am, also has his way of reminding me just how much he loves me, and just how ungrateful I’ve been for everything he has blessed me with. It was sort of a slight whisper at first, but its picked up to a howling gale, and I find myself drawn once again to him but I am not afraid because I know I screwed up, and even so, he will forgive, and take me back.

I guess what I’m trying to say in my own long winded way is that Christmas means not just thinking about what you’re going to get, but to be thankful for everything you’ve got, including, and especially, the bumps.

2004-12-03T01:46:00.000+08:00

My new toy, gets me from here to... er... back here even faster than ever.

Hooked on a Feeling

2004-12-03T01:13:00.000+08:00

So snow white finished her roll of film and sent it to be developed.

Months later, there was still no news on the photos.

Snow white, somewhat distraught, burst out into song, "Some day my prints will come..."

There's this song thats been stuck in my head, and for some reason refuses to leave, regardless of how much crap I try to flush my skull with. It sorta goes.. "I'm hooked on a feeling.. I'm high on believing.. that you're in love with me.." I heard it first quite a few years ago, on the soundtrack of Pulp Fiction (one of my all time fav movies) though I am aware that the song predates that film by quite a bit.

I guess I've been having a fairly good run of late, and things have sort of been going my way. This unfortunately brings out the part of me that is just waiting for the catch, the joke, for me to trip and fall face first in the mud. How long will it last? Short answer - who really cares? (or was that a short question?) For the time being, life is good, I'm floating happily along, and I can see where I'm going.

Le Baron

2004-11-20T21:16:00.000+08:00

After what must be to some and astonishing absence, the rice bandit returns, and with flourish!

"Why do ducks have flat feet? - to stamp out fires"

"Why do elephants have flat feet? - to stamp out burning ducks"

Truthfully though, I doubt anyone actually reads this thing, and I'm treating it more as free therapy for myself hehehe..

I had my P3, or phase 3 test yesterday and thanks to the grace of He who makes small furry animals so cute, I passed. Which means I get to stay in Perth for a couple more months till the next test. In the meantime, phase 4 brings a new aircraft to learn and get a grip on, the aptly named Baron.

Twice as many engines, twice as fast, and 4 times as powerful. should be fun.